May 31st, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
Where is your attention going today—what are your thoughts? Are your thoughts hopeful, positive and affirming or are they worried, fearful and pessimistic. It is amazing how we are in charge of our emotional state by what we choose to focus on with our thoughts.
This past Friday I was working on a project and I started to get irritated—the irritation gave me a signal that I was thinking something that was leading to the irritation. I was able to track the thoughts that led to the irritation and make a decision to let go of those thoughts and instantly felt better.
What I find is that most of us let our thoughts run around in our mind like wild horses. There is no focus and awareness—just letting the thoughts swing from one thought to another without reflecting on the productivity of these thoughts—or if these thoughts are even true. Many of the thoughts we have are assumptions, interpretations about events or others that aren’t even true.
See if you can check in on your thoughts today and see if what you are thinking is:
A. Making you feel good
B. Is the thought true–or an assumption
C. Does thinking this thought help the situation at all—are you using your thoughts to reach a decision or is it just mental activity that runs in circles and is unproductive.
Track your thinking and make sure that your thoughts are helping you to feel good and are truly productive.
May 27th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
One of the things that gets in the way of happiness is trying to control others and outcomes. You may not be aware that you are even doing this.
I remember when I first began to work with the Inner Bonding process for my own healing -I would have sessions with Margaret Paul, the co-creator of Inner Bonding and she would give me feedback about the ways I was trying to control others and outcomes. I remember my initial reaction “Who me?—I’m so nice–how can I be controlling??” The way that I attempted to control others and outcomes was more subtle than someone who used the traditional forms of controlling (anger, blame, yelling etc.) One way I controlled was through my niceness—I would try to have control over how people viewed me by being nice to them. If I was nice them, I would get their approval.
You see, initially I didn’t see my own worth and loveability–and that my very essence is kind. As I did my own healing I was able to see my own worth and loveability—therefore I didn’t need to “get” it from others through their approval. I could let go of trying to be nice from an energy of controlling how others saw me —to being nice from my essence—letting go if they saw me as a nice person or not. This also enabled me to speak my truth and set healthy boundaries with others as well. I could set a boundary and not worry that the person would be mad at me and think I wasn’t nice because I already new I was a nice person.
See clearly who you are—your intrinsic worth and loveability–and let go of how others see you. The more you do this the less you will attempt to control how people see you in order to feel worthy.
May 24th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
One of the most empowering decisions you can make is to take 100 % responsibility for your happiness. The reality is that YOU are the only one who is in charge of your happiness. You are the one who chooses the thoughts you entertain in your mind and the way that you interpret what is happening in your life. You are the one that is capable of taking actions that are loving to you and that move you in the direction of your dreams. Check in to see if you are either consciously or unconsciously handing the responsibility for your happiness over to someone else in your life. If you feel frustrated, stuck and helpless—these are some indicators that you may be doing this.
Make a decision today to take 100% responsibility for your happiness—let go of the belief that others have to change or do something different in order for you to be happy. It is fully in your hands.
May 20th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
Are you making choices from your Wounded Self or your Loving Adult? When you make choices that are in alignment with your Loving Adult —these are choices in alignment with your authentic self—who you really are. When you make choices from this part of you—these choices will lead to happiness and fulfillment. On the other hand–choices made from your Wounded Self–your reactive, protective conditioned patterns—this will lead to feelings of unhappiness and frustration.
Sam had a deep intention to be in a healthy, intimate partnership. He had this intention when he begin meeting people through internet dating. Sam met Karen who had been doing her own personal growth work for years and also was seeking a healthy partnership. They had an easy connection when they began talking on the phone and they could easily share with each other at deeper level. They also discovered that they had quite a bit in common and had common dreams for the future. As they deepened their connection they both were surprised that protective, wounded parts of themselves began to surface. They both realized that the very thing that they both wanted–a healthy, deep connection with a partner–was actually a possibility in this relationship. While that was exciting–it was also terrifying at the same time–because the deeper the connection–the more risk of loss there was as well.
Initially they were able to talk about these reactions and work through them in a positive way that deepened their connection even more. At times the anxiety would get overwhelming for Sam and to manage it he began to distance himself in the relationship—he wouldn’t call as much or make plans to call and then not call Karen. What began to happen is he began to make choices from his wounded self that were out of alignment with what he was wanting on a deeper level. His wounded self even had a different agenda than his loving adult and that was to subtlety sabotage the relationship so it would eventually end so he wouldn’t have to deal with the fear that was coming up. If that would happen he would feel the temporary relief of being out of a situation that was causing him fear—but he would eventually feel the loneliness and longing–for what his authentic self really wanted–which was a healthy, intimate partnership.
Check in today—are your choices and actions in alignment with the deepest part of you or with the wounded part of you that is trying to keep you “safe”.
May 17th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
One of my favorite things that I learned when I was in Graduate school was concept of being congruent with our values. We first would identify and clarify what our values were and then see how aligned we were with these values in our current life. An example would be if we valued honesty -yet as we examined our life we found we were telling little white lies to avoid conflict–we would realize that we weren’t in full alignment with this value. The more we move our actions in alignment with our stated values–the more peaceful and whole we feel.
This of course is a work in progress as we move to align with our stated values—and also our stated values and priorities may shift over time as well. An example from my own life is I value simplicity and for things in my home to be neat and decluttered. Over the last 6 months I have been busy with work projects and made a conscious decision that I wouldn’t have time to have things as organized as I would like. A friend of mine who recently came to visit—had read my Simplicity article and came to visit and noticed I wasn’t in full alignment with what I was promoting in the article. It didn’t feel good to be out of alignment –yet I worked on being compassionate with myself knowing that I had good reasons for not being in alignment- and I had a plan to get things back on track now that I was less busy.
Think of areas of your life—where are you in alignment with your values and where are you off track? Notice where you are off track and check to see if the value is still a value that is a high priority for you. If it is then make a plan to get back in alignment with this–if it is not a high priority for you then note this and let go of putting a lot of energy into it.
Strive to live congruent to your most important values.
May 13th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness. ~Seneca
My sweetie recently had to have some testing to assess some things with his heart. Thankfully his heart is healthy and strong–not surprising for someone as loving as he is:)
While he was going through the testing procedure we were quite moved by the kindness of the medical staff. Everywhere we turned there were expressions of kindness. Even his roommate for his overnight stay was a sweetie. It was another reminder to me of the healing power of kindness.
Moments of expressing kindness take such little effort yet have such a powerful ripple effect on others.
Here are some tips to bring the energy of Kindness more into your Life
1. Start with being kind to yourself. Ask yourself moment by moment–if I were to be kind to myself right now what would I do. Would you take a break and walk in the sunshine. Would you say something kind to yourself like “I love you and want the best for you.”
2. Pick one person every day you are going to express extra kindness to. It could be a stranger or someone you love. Go out of your way to be kind and see how good it feels.
3. See other peoples unkind behavior as pain they are experiencing. Unhappy people in pain are unkind to others. If you can see it this way it can help you move into compassion rather than judgment.
4. It can be kind to let some words be left unsaid. Watch what you say to those that are close to you. People can unwittingly put other people down in a very subtle way. Watch what you say closely and if you are about to do something like that just breathe and say to yourself “That doesn’t need to be said”.
An example–if someone is doing something different than you would–let’s say a household chore. Instead of making a negative comment–say to yourself inside “That is interesting they do that differently than I would”. Appreciate difference in other people around you rather than judging them.
5. Notice the energy of kindness has a softness to it. It is an energy that is soft and open. Judgment on the other hand has an energy of hardness to it. Notice throughout the day if your energy is staying open and kind or closing off and feeling hard. This will help you monitor the energy within you and shift it to being more open so you can move into that kindness with yourself and others.
You will find that your kindness brings out the best in everyone you meet. The more you practice kindness with yourself and others you will see your world transforming before your eyes. And a kind world is a beautiful world!
May 13th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
It is a challenge for most people to really love their body. We get so many cultural messages that promote a body ideal that is unrealistic for most people. It is like we all walk around with this toxic conditioning about the ideal body that we need to contend with if we are really going to move into self -love. One of the key things is to become aware that it is conditioning and NOT the truth. When you are judging your body against the ideal you are judging yourself against an unrealistic image.
Instead of judging your body for being different than the ideal—begin to appreciate your body for how it is unique and different—and this uniqueness makes up the specialness of YOU. Practice looking in the mirror at the part of your body you have been the hardest on and start to see the beauty of this part of you. It will take time and a focus on releasing your comparisons of this part of you to the supposed ideal. By practicing this you can move into a space of loving every part of your body and celebrating your unique and beautiful body.
It is your body. Claim it’s beauty!
May 10th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
“One cannot protect against pain and be open to love at the same time.”
How open is your heart today? If you are in fear, judgment, blame, guilt etc—your heart is closed and you are closing yourself off from love and connection. The above states are created by the wounded self—whose main motivation is to protect against pain–and to control others around us in order to feel safe. So many of us have been trained that others are responsible for how we feel—”You hurt me” “You did this and you are wrong–and you need to stop”. If you give responsibility for how you feel to how people are acting around you—you have placed yourself in a victim position and are operating from a false belief that they are causing your pain. Your inner pain is actually being caused by what you are telling yourself about what they are doing or saying to you. Your interpretation of what they are doing or saying is what is causing the pain—it is self-created. This can be difficult to get and understand–particularly when you are in the midst of reacting to what someone is saying or doing.
To shift to a more empowered stance–one where you are taking 100% responsibility for your emotional state–you need to shift your attention inward to your own reactions. Notice what you are telling yourself about what they are saying and doing – notice if it is a projection from the past or it is setting off a negative belief you hold about yourself. It could be “They really don’t care about me because of what they are doing” or “I must not be good enough if they are treating me this way”. These are false beliefs generally from past experiences. This is where you can learn a lot about what needs healing within you.
Our reactions have more to do with us than with what is actually going on outside of us. Use these reactions as opportunities to heal and grow–rather than feel helpless and victimized by others. The more you do this–you can then keep your heart open with compassion for yourself and the other person—who may be going through their own reactions as well. In an environment of compassion challenging situations can be opportunities for tremendous growth and awareness rather than times of pain and suffering.
Take responsibility for your own reactions and use them as opportunities for growth.
May 6th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
One of the things to be mindful of is the voice in your head. This is the voice that is filtering what is happening to you and making a commentary on it. It always amazes me how much we are filtering our own experience through the lens of past experiences. When we are doing this we are truly not in the present responding to what is happening NOW. To address this see if you can track your thoughts and see when they shift into a direction that is taking you out of the present and into the past. It could be a phrase you say to yourself like “Oh here we go again—this person is treating me this way–this happened to me before and something bad is going to happen–I need to protect myself.”
This thought is moving you out of the present and into the past—you are feeling the old feelings of the past and projecting them onto the current situation–then you are responding to this with protective behavior. A friend of mine calls this a “past attack” -which is a fitting description. You are not being in the present when you are doing this.
Instead you can say to yourself “This reminds me of the past—and I am feeling those old feelings—but it is not happening now–I am in a different situation and I will stay open to see clearly what is happening.” The more you stay in the present–the more you can respond to the present in a healthy, clear way.
Practice watching your thoughts and see if you can keep them focused on the present.
May 3rd, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
Do you live your life from faith or fear? When you are living from faith you are trusting that your life is unfolding perfectly–leading you on a path to your highest good. You trust that you are connected to a larger spiritual source that is good, loving and has your best interests at heart. When you live your life from fear—you believe that you alone are responsible for everything and that you have to micro-manage everything to make sure nothing bad happens. It is not a fun way to live—and it is also very exhausting.
So how do you shift from fear to faith? A good first step is to act as if you have faith—even though you might not fully trust—act as if. Act as if the Universe is a loving, good place—supporting you every step of the way. How would you act if you believed this—act as if. The more you act as if–the more you loosen the grip of your fear–your energy expands and opens—you will start to feel more in the flow. The more you relax and open you will start to feel this trust build–and you will see things in your life clicking into place easily—without you forcing things to happen. This helps you to relax and trust even more—the more you trust—the more things will flow. You are reversing the pattern of being in fear—which contracts your energy and makes things much more difficult in your life.
Act as if the Universe is a loving, good place supporting your highest good.