June 7th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
A common thing that I notice in my work with clients is the pattern of being stuck in one’s head attempting to “figure” things out. As mentioned to my client this a.m. —”If this kind of mental activity was productive I would be all for it.” –but the reality is that this type of mental activity is not productive and just creates stress and anxiety. Oftentimes, this stuckness in one’s thinking is just a negative thought pattern–or patterned ways of thinking that do not lead to creative solutions or resolution of a problem. The more you think along these lines—the more you feel stuck.
Sometimes you may be trying to “figure” something out that just cannot be resolved in the moment because of circumstances. It could be that the situation is out of your control—there is nothing that you can do. Or it could be that the situation is in process and that other people are involved and you don’t know what their decisions will be. In these cases—thinking about the situation is unproductive—there is nothing that you can do–so the best thing to do is to let it go and bring yourself back into the present moment. Ask yourself “What do I need to do to be loving with myself right now?” Oftentimes the only power you have is to take care of yourself in the here and now —trusting that over time the situation will reach some resolution.
Many of things that we worry about or overthink never even come to pass—what in the moment seems like a “big issue”—ends up resolving itself with the passage of time or a slight shift in your own perception of it. A client recently reported that a long standing struggle she had with a situation resolved itself in moments with a shift of her perception of it and the pain instantly evaporated. This surprised her and opened the doorway for her to do the same thing with other issues that have been “tormenting” her for years.
When you are stuck in your head—ask yourself “Is this thinking productive–it is moving forward with a solution–or am I just going around and around with something that is unsolveable in this moment?” If it is currently unsolveable–than let it go and bring yourself into the present moment and do something loving for yourself.
June 2nd, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
Carol was in her 40′s and struggled with her weight since she was a child. She binged on sweets and couldn’t seem to control herself. She called me for some phone sessions to address this issue. In the first session it became clear what the inner dynamic was that was fueling her desire for the sweets.
Carol was very hard on herself and put pressure on herself to be perfect all of the time. She felt if she was perfect she would then be loveable and acceptable to the people around her. This was a reflection of the way her Mom treated her. When she was young her Mom didn’t see her clearly–and put pressure on her to be perfect—the message was “If you are perfect, then I will love you and accept you.” Because of the pain of not being loved unconditionally for who she really was and the pressure from her Mom to be perfect– she began to use sweets as a child to comfort herself.
This pattern continued into adulthood and was confusing for Carol because her Mom was no longer in her life and she was surrounded by people who truly did love her unconditionally. Carol was able to realize that she had a wounded part of her that was just like her Mom–putting pressure on her to be perfect and not seeing her own intrinsic worth and loveability just as she was. This pressure was creating a lot of anxiety within her and to cope with it she overate the sweets to comfort herself.
Once she recognized this she was able to shift into being more loving and supportive with herself–much like she was able to be with her own children. She gave herself messages like “It’s OK to be you, you are loveable just the way you are.” “It’s OK not to be perfect–just relax and be yourself–you are enough just as you are.” As she gave herself these new messages she felt herself relax for the first time in years and stopped having the intense craving for sweets. She was able to understand this and heal this long-standing issue in only two sessions!
What I love about the Inner Bonding process is that it helps to gain insight and clarity into the inner dynamic that is fueling our feelings and behavior. This clarity is about 70% of the healing. This morning as I worked with a client and we developed clarity about a long-standing pattern of hers—the feeling or incredible relief in the room was palpable. Now with awareness of the inner dynamic she had a clear path for healing and shifting the dynamic that was causing her so much pain.
Notice a long standing patterns of yours. What do you think you are saying to yourself on the inner level that is fueling this pattern—can you track the sequence of it. Example: I say this to myself—my reaction is this (ex. anxiety)–to deal with this reaction I then do this.
We are talking to ourselves all of the time—having inner dialogues that are either loving and supportive—or critical and hurtful. Inner Bonding helps to bring these dialogues to conscious awareness so that you can make decisions to shift these dialogues to being more supportive to you.