July 28th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
“I am Fabulous”: Embracing and Celebrating You!
“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection.” Buddha
“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” Marianne Williamson
You are Fabulous! Yes YOU are. How do you feel when you hear that? Do you respond, yes that is right, I am Fabulous. Or do you have a reaction that blocks you from taking this statement in fully. If you are like most people you may not be able to take this in whole heartedly for various reasons. One, it may interrupt your inner litany of you telling yourself all the ways that you are less than fabulous—all the ways that you are messing up in some way, falling short of yours or other people’s expectations. You may have trouble taking in “I am fabulous” because you fear if you do that other people will think your arrogant and self-centered.
We live in a culture that does not support healthy self-confidence and self-celebration. We tend to give people support and sympathy when they are beating themselves up and feeling down and out. We don’t have as much practice supporting people in healthy self-love. What would you do if the next time you saw a close friend they said “I’m feeling so wonderful about myself—I love my life—everything is going great for me!” Would you know how to react to them? Could you celebrate with them? The level to which you could support them in their self-celebration would be to the level that you are doing this on the inner level with yourself.
An example of this is the other day my best friend, who is writing a book, left a message on my answering machine stating “I have had such a great day working on my book, the book is really phenomenal!” This was a perfect example of self-honoring and celebration—she was really acknowledging her talent as a writer and the beautiful expression of her soul reflected in the book. Because she and I both do a lot of work on the inner level to see our own beauty and worth we can support this fully in each other. So my reaction to her message was excitement and celebrating in her success. If I wasn’t clear about my own inner worth and wonderfulness, I may have reacted with judgment of her “Who does she think she is” or self-judgment “I’m not talented and she is—she is better than me.” My reaction has more to do with my own level of self-love than it has to do with what she said on the message.
Why Self-Love is Important
- Seeing your own beauty and light allows you to see others more clearly. The fear that people have when they first start working on self-love is that they confuse it with being self-centered and arrogant. The reality is that opening up to deeper levels of self-love and appreciation allows you to see the beauty and magnificence of others more clearly. We all have within us an essence, a radiant Spirit that is filled with love, joy, creativity, compassion and beauty. When you really get that and are able to see this within you—you are able to see it within everybody. You can see beneath people’s protections of fear, negativity and anger and see the truth of who they are—the light of who they are. This is a beautiful gift you give yourself and others and it can transform your whole life and all of your relationships.
- Seeing your own Magnificence allows Good things into your Life- If you love and value yourself you will want good things for yourself and you will take action to bring these good things into your life. An example is if you are in a job that you don’t love—if you cared about yourself and your happiness you would take action to find a job or career that you really love. You wouldn’t allow yourself to be in an unloving situation in any area of your life. You would want happy, loving relationships for yourself, a job you were passionate about, a home that you loved and felt nurtured in, plenty of money to do all the things you want to do. All the things that you would want for a person you deeply loved, you would want these things for yourself too.
- Seeing your own Fabulousness allows others to see that in you too-People tend to see us and treat us how we see and treat ourselves. There is two ways that this happens. One way is that if you really value yourself and treat yourself kindly other people will pick up on this energy and treat you well too. An example of this: Do you know people you would never say anything disrespectful to because they emanate a sense of self-confidence and self-respect—it is so clear you can feel it. The other way is if you value and are kind to yourself and someone is unloving to you—you would let them know that it is unacceptable to treat you that way. If they don’t respond and continue to be unloving – if you really love yourself you would choose not to be around this person again. It is as simple as that. Either way your inner self-love is setting the standard for how people will treat you.If you see the exquisite beauty and specialness of who you really are—people will automatically see that in you. You, in the state of celebrating you, opens the doorway for others to see you more clearly. There is so much beauty and radiance inside of each and every one of us—if we open our eyes to see it more clearly in ourselves and others, we would be astounded!
- When you see your own Brilliance you become a role model for people to see their own Brilliance. So few people are able to see their own beauty that when you are able to love yourself, you are able to light the way for others to do this for themselves too. You are able to role model what this looks like. This is so important if you are a parent—if your children see you taking loving care of yourself and feeling healthy self-love, they will be able to do that for themselves too.Just like you can feel if someone is insecure, you can also feel if someone loves and appreciates themselves. We tend to feel comfortable and relaxed around people who feel good about themselves—and this feeling even rubs off us on us—we start to feel good about ourselves in their presence. Our own self-love has a positive ripple effect on others—by providing a role model for healthy self-love and also energetically opening a space for people to love themselves just by being in our presence.
Ways to Love Yourself More
- Take responsibility for seeing your own worth and lovability- Do you realize that your worth and lovability is intact and unchanging? Nothing you can do can ever take away from it—it is your intrinsic worth and can never be diminished. There is nothing to be improved upon and enhanced—you already are brilliant and magnificent just as you are. The real you, your authentic self, is here to just express itself fully and completely. It is beautiful and breathtaking as is. There is nothing to learn, no further schooling, no special skill or special success needed for you to prove your intrinsic worth.In the psychospiritual process Inner Bonding, there is a distinction made between your essence, who you really are– and your protective parts, your wounded adult child. When you are in worry, judgment, fear, anxiety, depression, trying to control—these are all protective parts of you. If you are operating out of your protective self most of the time, you won’t feel the beauty of your essence and neither will those around you. What can happen is that if you operate out of these parts of you long enough you start to believe that this is really you—but it is not.It is like clouds covering up the light and brilliance of the sun. The sun is always there shining. The transient clouds can block your experience of seeing and experiencing the sun—but it doesn’t change the fact that the sun is always shining. It is important to start to remember that you are the brilliant Sun, not the grey clouds that feel so real. You, your essence is always shining and all you need to do is really get that this is a fact, it is unchanging and no one and no event can ever diminish this. Once you know that you really are your essence, this beautiful light—self-love is a natural consequence and you can relax and let this light shine!
- Eliminate Self-Judgment and replace with Self-Supportiveness and Self-Appreciation- Your level of self-love will be dependent on the kind of internal dialogue you are having with yourself. We are all having inner conversations with ourselves throughout the day—these conversations are either loving and supportive or critical and unloving. If your self-esteem is low—chances are that your internal dialogue is critical and harsh—pointing out what you’re doing wrong, how you aren’t good enough in some way etc. One way to change this is to replace this negative dialogue with a loving supportive dialogue. The following are ways to shift to a more positive inner dialogue:
- Think of statements that you want to hear throughout the day and write these on a 3X5 index card. They could be statements like “I love you just the way you are” “Just be you, you are wonderful” “I love you no matter what” “It’s OK to make mistakes, I will still love you” “Let go of what others think of you-I think you are amazing” Use these statements with yourself during the day.
- Mirror back loving statements to yourself about who you are and how you handle things throughout the day. Examples of these statements are “I love the way you handled that situation” “You are so loving and kind” You are so creative!” “You are such a good listener” “You are brilliant” “You are sweet”. Mirroring back the positive will help you reverse the pattern of being critical with yourself for every little thing you do.
- Talk back to the Critical Voice and bring in the Truth- If you catch yourself yourself being critical respond back with a loving voice. If you say to yourself “I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I just said that” you can respond back by saying “It’s OK, your not stupid, what you said was just fine, just relax and be yourself, let go what that person thinks of you, I love you no matter what.” Feel how supportive the loving statement is and how it eases the anxiety of the critical voice.
- Before you go into various situations, think of what kind of positive dialogue you want to have with yourself during the situation. You can even practice this dialogue beforehand. Once you get into the situation you will be prepared with a loving, supportive dialogue. In this way the negative chatter that might get triggered for you doesn’t get a chance to even start because you have consciously chose a loving, positive inner dialogue. You are crowding out the air waves with the positive. Try this and see your self-worth soar and your comfort level with all kinds of situations increase.
- Write 5 Appreciations about yourself each night in your journal. This can be ways you handled certain situations, how loving you were with others, your creativity, the special unique qualities that are YOU!
- Start a “Celebration of Me” Journal- Get a beautiful journal that you can collect sweet notes and cards you receive from others. When the people around you have their hearts open and are sharing love with you—they are seeing the beauty of your essence. These loving cards and notes are reminders of who you really are and it can be helpful to have these in a lovely journal. You can even jot down loving comments people make to you and you can add these to your journal. You can also write loving notes and poems to your inner child, the part of you that reflects beautiful aspects of your essence. You can also put pictures or images that reflect the beauty of your essence in your journal.
- Develop Self-Trust- Keep your promises to yourself like you would to anyone else in your life. If you promise yourself you are going to take some time off do something fun or complete a project that you have been putting off—then make sure you follow through and do it. When you let yourself down by not following through on a promise, you are eroding self-trust and self-love. When you keep your promises with yourself, you will feel more secure and strong within yourself—your essence will feel loved and valued.
- Take Loving Actions on your own behalf- If you tell yourself you love and care about you but you treat yourself poorly—your self-esteem will stay low. You must take actions that reflect a deep love for yourself. If you were to show love to yourself, you would exercise if you needed to lose weight, you would get to sleep early if you needed more rest, if your life was chaotic you would create balance, if you needed more social connection you would plan some fun things with friends, if you needed to leave an unhealthy relationship, you would leave it. Taking these loving actions will lift your self-esteem and you will feel great about yourself. Try it. For one week put into action all of the things that you know would be loving for yourself. A lot of times this alone can create a major shift in increasing your self-love significantly.
You are Fabulous—it is a given—and it is up to you to see it for yourself. By doing this you will radically improve the quality of your life, your relationships and even pave the way for others to see their own Magnificence too!
Copyright 2007
July 26th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
Why You Are Stuck
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman
Do you feel stuck in your life? Do you feel there is something more for you in your life but you don’t know what that is? Or you know what it is but you don’t know how you are going to get there? The “feeling stuck “feeling is an important feeling to pay attention to. It is a signal that something needs to change in your life—but the change first needs to begin on the inner level. You see we are all meant to live magnificent lives filled with joy and purpose—we are actually hard wired for this. The stuck feeling is giving you a signal that you are out of alignment with your true self—your Authentic self.
Your Authentic self is the truest you—the you that you intended to be when you came here. Your Authentic self is already filled with Joy and knows it’s purpose on the planet—this is already within you—it is not contained outside of you—where many people get sidetracked looking.
So many of the clients I work with feel a sense incredible untapped potential within them that is just not being expressed. They feel the frustration of this knowingness– coupled with confusion they feel about how to tap into this energy and express it more meaningfully in their lives. The most powerful thing that I share with them that begins to transform their lives immediately is beginning to distinguish the voice of their conditioned self (all the fears, false beliefs and patterns they have been taught) from the voice of their Authentic Self.
Many listen to the voice of their Conditioned Self and allow this voice to dictate their decisions in life. Listening to this voice will lead to confusion, lack of confidence, unwillingness to take risks, despair, anxiety and even anger. This voice will keep you stuck in old patterns and situations that aren’t good for you for YEARS. The Joy that is inside of you will not be able to be felt or expressed with this Voice running the show.
To start to get you to distinguish this voice from your Authentic Voice—here are some examples:
1. Conditioned Self Voice-“You better stay right where you are right now, it’s safe, secure and the money is good—don’t rock the boat. The economy is bad and you should be lucky you even have a job.”
Authentic Self Voice-“I’m so excited to find my life purpose! I know there is something special I am meant to do—I can just feel it and I can’t wait to figure it out. I am going to sign up for the Life Purpose Mentoring Program so I can start moving forward as soon as possible. I am so excited—what an adventure this will be!”
2. Conditioned Self Voice-“I probably don’t have a Life Purpose—life is just meant to be how it is now—not awful—but not really great either. I think I want too much in my life.”
Authentic Self Voice- “I know life can be better—I can feel it inside of me. I have made positive changes in my life and I can do it again. I am willing to take the risks to be all that I came here to be and I know I will be supported as I step out in faith”
3. Conditioned Self Voice-“I could never make money at my Life Purpose –that is just a pie in the sky dream there are only a few lucky people who get to do this. I better just stay realistic and resign myself to what I am doing now—it’s not so bad
Authentic Self Voice-“I know I can make money at my Life Purpose. I might need to learn some new things and grow in different ways—but I am willing to do it because I LOVE what I am doing. And remember the phrase “Do What You Love and the Money will Follow” I will remember this as I move forward. I am so excited—it is going to be even better than I imagine!
4. Conditioned Self Voice-“I don’t think we are supposed to be happy. I see everyone around me and they are just as unhappy as me—that is just life.
Authentic Self Voice-“Happiness is meant for me and everyone else and I am going to open up fully to my happiness and live fully now. No more waiting on the sidelines—I am going to make choices that support what brings me happiness–NOW. I will be a role model for others to move into their happiness too—won’t that be fun!
5. Conditioned Self Voice- “I can’t do that because……….I”m too old, too young, don’t have the money, don’t have the time, I will fail, I will succeed, I don’t deserve it, it’s too late, I don’t know what will happen, I will regret it, I’m scared, I will do it later…….
Authentic Self Voice-“I CAN do it because………I have what it takes, I deserve to be happy, I say so, it is my time to really live, now is the time, I’m not going to hold back anymore, It will be a success no matter what happens, I will be supported by the Universe every step of the way.
See how different you feel reading each of these statements? Feel the heaviness and constriction of the Conditioned Self and on the other hand the lightness, joy and expansiveness of the Authentic Self.
Use these examples to track the voices inside of you—practice labeling the voice of the Conditioned Self and begin to NOT listen to it. Instead– Listen to that soft, subtle, joyful, hopeful, light voice of the Authentic Self inside of you—it will lead you on a path of more Joy, Love, Peace, Lightness and sweet Adventure—the kind of life you were meant to live!
July 26th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
I LOVE MY BODY!
“I Love My Body because it houses my beautiful Spirit.” Beth, 30
“I Love My Body because it is my temple, a work of art that I see as beautiful, and something I know no one else could ever duplicate.” Francesca, 18
Why do you Love Your Body? Do you love your body because like Beth stated above, it houses your magnificent soul? Do you love your body because it enables you to experience the richness of life with all of your senses? Do you love your body because it allows you to create things, hug others and enjoy the pleasure of movement? I’m not asking you IF you love your body but WHY you love your body.
I want to start the conversation about loving your body with the why, not the if—to get you to shift your thinking in that direction immediately. People, women in particular—perhaps you the reader –have spent far too many precious moments of life criticizing and trying to change your body rather than truly loving and accepting the gift of your body.
I recently gave a presentation on this topic titled “I Love My Body”. One reason I chose the name is that when people called to register they would say “I am calling to register for the I Love My Body presentation.” For the women who registered it was probably the first time in their life that the words “I Love My Body” have ever come out of their mouths! There is so much healing needed around this topic that I wanted to help get it started as soon as possible with just saying those words “I Love My Body.”
The challenge that most women face around loving their body is the cultural conditioning around the ideal body for women. There was a popular ad for “The Body Shop”, the skin and hair care products company, which stated “There are 3 billion women who don’t look like supermodels and only 8 who do.” This ad highlighted that what is promoted as the ideal, normal body for women is actually the normal body for only a very small percentage of women. Yet, this image is continuously portrayed in advertising, on magazine covers and in the actresses we see in movies and on television.
It is a distortion of reality that ends up creating a situation where women feel inadequate and that there is something wrong with their body for not looking like this. It causes women to judge and try to change their body by dieting, plastic surgery and many other ways of trying to get their body to look like the ideal. This cultural conditioning is hurtful and has a very toxic effect on women and girls. It is toxic because instead celebrating and loving their unique shape they are judging it against the promoted ideal.
According to the Social Issues Research Centre “More than 80% of 4th graders have been on a fad diet.” It is sad to see the pressure that young girls feel to start to mold their bodies into the ideal, rather than using this energy to learn, explore and just be happy and content being themselves.
Because of the profound impact of this cultural conditioning it is important for women and girls to become conscious of this programming and to have the courage to step out of the dictates of these unrealistic body expectations. So one of the first and most important guideline to truly Love Your Body is to take back the power to define your own beauty.
Tips to help you Love Your Body
- Take the Power back to define your own Beauty- Not only taking it back for the cultural/media definitions but also from people around you in your life who have made judgmental remarks about your body. These people weren’t able to see the beauty of your body because they had absorbed the cultural definitions themselves—and were judging you and probably their own body against these standards as well. Take a moment now to close your eyes and imagine taking back the power to define the beauty of your own body. Take it back from the cultural definitions and the media—in your mind state “I will not allow you to define what my body should look like anymore.” Think back to people that have made negative comments to you about your body—a family member, a romantic partner or other kids when you were little. Say to them in your mind “I take back the power to define the beauty of my own body—your comments were distortions and untrue—and I no longer give them any power.” Feel how good this feels to clear yourself of all of this negativity and distortion.
- Clear Your Own Negative Beliefs about Your Body- Because of your exposure to the cultural conditioning about the supposed ideal female body—you probably have practiced self-judgment of your body for not conforming to the promoted “ideal.” These judgments and negative beliefs are again distortions and not based on the truth of the unique beauty of your own body. We all have bodies of different sizes and shapes that are special and truly beautiful. One of the most healing experiences for me related to body image was going sun bathing and swimming at a private lake with a group of women friends—naked. I loved looking at the variety of shapes and sizes of all of these women and I thought to myself “We are all so beautiful.” Because of the media just showing a very limited range of female bodies—I had never before seen all of the sizes and shapes of women’s bodies. Each and every one of the women had such a unique, beautiful body. We are truly missing out when the full range of what we really look like is not reflected in our media.
Let go of your own rigid beliefs about how your body should look and begin to see how the very things that are different about your body are the very things that make you unique and beautiful. Write down the negative messages that you say to yourself about your body. Imagine writing them down to release them from your consciousness. Get them all out—the most negative hurtful ones you can think of. Look at these messages—notice how you would never dream of saying these things to anyone else in your life. Look at all of these messages and apologize to your body saying “I’m so sorry that I said these hurtful things to you—I promise that I will not say these things to you again and I will start loving you instead.” Look at these messages again and with an intention to fully release them—tear up the sheet of paper and throw it away. Some people like to build a fire outside and burn the paper as a way of releasing this negativity.
- Exercise for the Joy of Feeling Your Body Move- When you exercise to eliminate fat from your body and/or to compensate for calories eaten—this can come from a place of fear and have an energy of trying to control and fight against your body. Imagine exercising for the joy of moving your body and from an intention to be loving to your body—a desire for it to be healthy and have more energy. The clients I work with around this issue tend to be able to maintain an exercise program if they do it from a place of joy and self-love rather than control and fear about their weight.Notice if there are things in your life that you don’t do for fear of people seeing your body—like swimming, dancing or any other activity. Remind yourself that you deserve to do the things you enjoy no matter what your shape. Let go of what others think of you and stay focused on the fact that you have every right to do the things you enjoy.
- Remind Yourself What the Purpose of Having a Body Is-Your body is yours to fully experience life, to take it in and enjoy it. Your body is a vehicle for you to experience life with all of your senses. Your body allows you: to feel a warm breeze on your skin, feel the cool water in a lake when you swim, see all of the vivid colors of a sunset, hear all of the beauty of music, to hear the sounds of birds and trees moving in the wind, feel the softness of someone’s hand, feel the joy of dancing, taste and enjoy delicious food, express yourself through a smile, tears or laughter. Your body is for you, not for others to critique or judge. You are not here as a display for others, but as a fully embodied human being with deeper, richer qualities than just your appearance.
- When You Look in The Mirror—Look at Yourself Through Loving Eyes-For many women looking in the mirror turns into an exercise of self-judgment. They zero in on all of their perceived flaws and what they feel is “wrong” with their body or face. Again the criteria they are judging themselves against is this unrealistic ideal that is promoted in the media. I have many clients who when they first started working with me said that they couldn’t look in the mirror because all they saw were these perceived flaws. I suggest that they shift this by instead looking at themselves in the mirror through loving eyes. An example would be if you look in the mirror and see a wrinkle that you would ordinarily judge—look at this wrinkle with love and compassion—and even see the beauty of this wrinkle. Set a clear intention to see yourself through the lens of love—interrupt the self judgement and move into being very loving with yourself. This will be something that you need to practice before it becomes a habit—but it will be well worth the effort because you will begin to feel really wonderful about yourself.
- Have Your Self-Esteem be Internally ReferencedHave your self-esteem be based on your internal qualities rather than your external appearance. What are the qualities that make you—you? Is it your compassion, your unique creativity, your intelligence, your capacity to have fun, your wisdom, your perceptiveness, your capacity to listen to people or your loving heart. Think of the people that you love in your life. You love them for who they are—the unique Spirit that they are—not for what they look like. That is how they feel about you—they love you for who you are and all of the special qualities that make up you. Learn to value yourself for the substance of you—not for the physical form that you travel around in.
- Explore the deeper reason for the preoccupation with your appearance/weight.Sometimes when someone is preoccupied with their appearance it may be an avoidance mechanism for deeper, more painful feelings. Check in with yourself and see if this might be the case. If in your childhood things were painful for you and out of control, you may have learned to focus on your weight as a way to avoid the loneliness and helplessness of what was happening around you. Or maybe there is a painful issue in your life today that you don’t have the courage to face—like a challenging relationship or lack of purpose in your life. A preoccupation with your appearance distracts you from facing these issues. If this is the case for you, it is important for you to get support for yourself to open up to face these feelings directly. You can get this support through taking the risk to reveal your feelings to a trusted friend or working with a counselor who can help you work through these feelings.
- Eliminate Comparing Yourself to Others-The energy of comparison and competition is hurtful to yourself and the other person. Doing this is just another form of putting yourself down and will not help you to feel good but will make you feel even worse. Vow to not participate in this kind of energy. Instead if you see someone who is attractive—instead of comparing yourself to this person or judging them—state instead—“She is attractive and so am I.” Celebrate that other person and yourself too. You will find this feels so much better than comparing yourself to them or being critical.
- Take One of the Areas of Your Body You Typically Judge and Take a Week to Fully Love This Part of YouSpend 15 minutes a day looking at this part of your body and find things to love about it, better yet, do it throughout the day. The more challenging it is to do this, the more you need to do it! I read in a book about a woman who did this exercise and after a week of doing it a stranger came up to her and told her how beautiful this part of her body was! When we transform our own way of seeing ourselves—it transforms the way others see us as well. You want your first intention of doing this exercise to be the shift in your own self-love, not to have the effect on how others view you. How you view you is always going to be what is most important.
- Decide That You Are Beautiful and Practice Being BeautifulYou get to decide if you are beautiful or not. If like I stated above you have taken your power back to define your own self than why don’t you claim your own beauty! Take a day and repeat to yourself “I am Beautiful”. Do things that make you feel beautiful—wear something special—that you love and feel great in. Walk like you are beautiful. Look in the mirror and say “I am beautiful.” This may feel awkward at first but continue to do this until you really start to believe it. Celebrate who you are and your beautiful, unique body. We need women who are seeing and celebrating their own beauty—it helps other women who are stuck in negativity about their body see that there is another more joyful path to take—the path of true self-love
Copyright 2007
Shelley Riutta MSE, LPC is a Psychotherapist in private practice specializing in helping people connect with their true, authentic selves. She does transformational individual counseling, presentations, groups and Workshops. For more information and her Free Workbook “What Do You REALLY Want: Finding Purpose and Passion in Your Life” www.RadiantLifeCounseling.com or contact her at 920-265-2627.
July 21st, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
LIFE PARTNER QUEST
“Choose Your Life’s Mate carefully. From this one decision will come ninety percent of all your happiness or misery” -H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“The only thing worse than being alone is being with the wrong person” Reuben Schmidt, 89 years old—happily married to Joyce Schmidt for 53 years.
Look around you. Do you see couples that are wonderfully happy together? Happy and joyful couples bless everyone they come in contact with. They uplift those they are around by their loving connection. On the other hand you know what it feels like to be around couples who are unhappy and in conflict. It is difficult to be around them and they pull the energy down around them. The planet needs healthy, vibrant, loving couples. These couples positively affect their families, the community they live in and the world at large. There is a shift happening in that people are becoming more conscious about themselves and the kind of partner they are looking for. Rather than making decisions based on superficial qualities—he’s attractive, she makes good money—people are starting to look deeper as to what they want in a partnership. As a psychotherapist I work with many people individually as well as with couples who are struggling within their relationship because of basic incompatibility—they should not have been together to begin with. I hear from people that they knew on their wedding day that they were making a mistake and years later they are struggling to make something work that was unworkable from the start. It takes courage to look at a relationship with clear honesty and say—“This is not going to be a good match for me in the long run”. It is best to make this decision early on because the consequences of waiting get greater and greater—if you get married there is the pain of divorce and if there are kids involved there is even more pain. Or if you are in a long term relationship—the pain of separation is high after having your lives so intertwined.
One of the methods I have discovered to raise one’s consciousness in the process of looking for a partner is the Life Partner Quest process. It involves working with a Life Partner Quest coach in two phases. Phase one is the Readiness Phase, during this phase the coach assists the client in addressing the following areas:
- Readiness-is the client ready to meet their life partner? Clients take the Readiness
- Review to give feedback on their level of readiness. Are all of the areas of their life working for them? Have they addressed the emotional issues from past relationships?
- Relationship History-exploring past patterns in relationships and using what was learned to clarify what needs to change to change the patterns.
- Identification of goals and needs.
- Clarify Vision for one’s ideal life, Identify requirements for a life partner.
- Develop profile of Life Partner.
- Develop “Relationship Plan” to manifest/attract Life Partner.
Phase two is the Attraction Phase. In this phase the client is either working individually with a coach or in a group of other people who have completed the Readiness Phase. The following areas are addressed in the Attraction Phase:
- Where and how to meet potential life partners
- Becoming ready for a committed relationship
- Effectively meeting people, developing networks, sorting.
- Staying on track with your Relationship Plan
There seems to be a certain kind of magic that happens when a person works with another person towards a goal that is dear to their heart. Working with a coach or an attraction group that knows the clients desires can help support them to persevere when alone they would give up. The other benefit of working with a Relationship coach is that it helps to hold the client accountable to their standards and what they really want. When the client starts to date an attractive person who lacks one of their most important requirements the coach can support them to stay on track. The coach can also point out to the client their blind spots, where they might be getting in their own way of reaching their dreams.
The conventional way of dating is a hit or miss process. You meet someone you are attracted to and begin to date them. Through the process of dating you become emotionally bonded with this person. Over time you may start to have conflicts because there is not enough compatibility or there are drastic differences in values and goals. Instead of recognizing this and parting ways you stay and try to make it work because by this time there is an emotional bond—separating is painful. Or there may be fears like” I’ll never meet anyone else—I will end up alone.” So you stay out of fear, not love. Having clarity prior to starting to date and then keeping awake and aware when you first meet someone to make sure they meet your requirements before you continue in the relationship can save a lot of time and heart ache.
The following are the Eleven Principles of Conscious Dating:
- Know who you are. Like an iceberg, we are typically aware only of the tip, while our success and happiness depend upon what lies below the surface.
- Know what you want. Clarify what is most important to you in your life and in a life partner. The more conscious and aware you are the better will be your choices.
- Learn how to get what you want. Assess the information, tools, and skills you will need and acquire them. Develop creative strategies and action plans. “When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”
- Be the “Chooser.” Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don’t react to what, or who chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life.
- Balance your heart with your head. Make your relationship choices consciously. It’s still exciting!
- Be ready and available for commitment. Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.
- Use the “Law of Attraction.” Be the partner that you are seeking. Attract the partner that you want by developing yourself and living the life that you want.
- Create a support community. Develop a rich and supportive network of loving connections with family and friends. Don’t expect a partner to meet all of your social and emotional needs.
- Gain relationship knowledge and skills. Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family and friends. Take more emotional risks. Take relationship classes and workshops.
- Practice assertiveness. Increase your personal power by being authentic, assertive, exercising boundaries, saying “no” to what you don’t want and taking responsibility for getting what you do want.
- Live your Vision while you are single. Don’t put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. Live your life vision and purpose while you are single. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want.
Is it your heart’s desire to meet your life partner? If so do whatever you can to become as conscious and aware as you can—your commitment to stay aware and not settle for anything less than the “Love of your Life” can be an inspiration to others. We need more people with this kind of commitment to develop incredibly joyful and loving connections.
These kind of connections add to the positive and uplifting energy the planet so needs.
July 19th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
What Do You Really Want?
“Is that what you really want, or did nobody ask you? Is that what you really think or did nobody care? Is that who are you really are or did nobody notice? Is that what you really want or did nobody dare? Are these your most precious dreams, or did you leave them behind you, when you were a young one just to get through?” Lyrics from “Is That What You Really Want?” by Libby Roderick
What are your deepest, most precious dreams? Are they so buried that you have forgotten what they are? Or do they see the light of day but get buried again? Do you begin to pursue your dreams but negative thinking stalls the movement or you get sidetracked by other things?
We all have important dreams and when we pursue these dreams we are filled with passion and excitement. When we lose track of these dreams and follow the well trodden path of “what you are supposed to do” there is a deadening of our spirits. When I travel I like to be the last one on the airplane so I can see everyone when I walk on the plane. What I notice when I look at all of the faces as I’m walking through is that there is a lackluster, autopilot, flat energy that three-quarters of the people on the plane usually have—what I look for are the alive, passionate ones—they are like light bulbs beaming up from their seats—when I see them I breathe a sigh of relief and gratitude. “Yes,” I think to myself, “There is hope”. I think that because our individual energy affects the collective energy. Those “light bulb” people add positive, uplifting energy to the collective energy on the airplane. The more “light bulb” people on the planet, the higher the positive vibration of the collective energy. If I would sit down and interview the light bulb people on the plane they would be the ones pursuing or living their deepest dreams and passions. Is your light and passion hiding deep within you—or are you letting it shine and be free?
I work as a psychotherapist and I see my role as supporting my client’s light and passion to shine. I utilize breathwork and a psychospiritual process called Inner Bonding. In Inner Bonding we talk about the core essence—which is that bright shining light that you came into the world to be—it is your special creativity, your gifts, your unique intelligence, your caring, lovingness and compassion. If your parents were not connected to their own unique essence and living from their essence, they could not see or support this in you. They couldn’t see you clearly because they weren’t able to see themselves clearly. In response to this most people develop what Inner Bonding refers to as wounded adult child parts to handle the environment with their disconnected parents. The core essence than goes in hiding because of lack of support and the wounded adult child parts take over.
The wounded adult child parts absorb the fears and false beliefs that the parents have. Some of the false beliefs are: 1. I’m unworthy just as I am—I have to be perfect to be loved 2. My worth is dependent on my performance—if I perform well I’m O.K. if I don’t I’m not O.K. 3. I have to be what others want me to be to get love 4. If other people are unhappy or upset it’s my fault and I have to do something to make them feel better. As you can see these false beliefs lead one to be very outwardly focused—defining one’s worth through what other people think. When our focus is more on what OTHERS think we lose connection with what WE really think and who we really are (which is our core essence). This covering over of one’s core essence is exactly related to the disconnection with one’s dreams and passions. Our core essence contains our true dreams and passions—our special purpose for being on the planet. The process of Inner Bonding involves developing an Inner Loving Adult who can heal the false beliefs of the wounded adult-child and allow the true self, the core essence to come forward.
An Inner Loving Adult is essential in being able to fully allow the core essence to be expressed. Most people don’t have a loving adult operating within themselves on a consistent basis; they are mostly operating out of wounded adult aspects of themselves.
That is what is happening with the three-quarters of the people on the airplane with the flat energy—there is no loving adult taking action on the passions of the core essence—they are only operating from the fears of the wounded adult child. The light-bulbs—the alive and passionate people– on the other hand are able to be the loving adult and tune into the voice of their core essence –and take action.
An example: Let’s say you knew your core essence wanted to dance to express itself creatively—if the wounded adult child was in charge the inner dialogue would sound like this: “You can’t dance—You know how uncoordinated you are—You will make a fool out of yourself—What will people think!” If there was an Inner Loving Adult the dialogue would sound like this: “I will fully support you to dance because I know how much you want to do this—Let’s just go and express ourselves and have fun—it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks—I will be there to talk lovingly to you as you try new things-it’s O.K. to make mistakes, that’s part of learning!” As you read the different dialogues can you feel the difference in your body? The first dialogue is harsh and critical and stops any creative energy—whereas the second dialogue is loving and accepting—supporting this creative energy to be expressed. You can see if the wounded adult child is in charge that many of the dreams and passions are not going to get very far with this kind of critical inner dialogue.
I suggest to people that their job as the Loving Adult is to really tune into their core essence—tune into what they really want in this deepest part of them—and than to not lose sight of this—this is their deepest truth. Their job is to take action on these deepest dreams and desires. What is important is that you pursue these dreams not that you succeed at them. What do you mean—you ask? The wounded adult child self is concerned with outcome, performance, success/failure—because these are the ways to seek validation of the self. The Loving Adult supports pursuing a dream as a way to express the self –for the joy of expressing—not for a particular outcome. The Loving Adult sees the beauty of the core essence and does not need others to see or validate it.
An example: When I was a child I loved to play out scenes from movies with my friends. I would be the director and have them act out different scenes that I was seeing in my mind. I loved this and it felt very natural for me. It was my core essence expressing itself through the creation of movie scenes. My loving action as a loving adult is to pursue this passion in some form to continue this expression that I was so connected to as a child. If my wounded self gets focused on outcomes it may say something like, “Do you know how hard it is to make films and to get into this field—What are you thinking?” But if I pursue this from my loving adult the outcome is irrelevant—it is the joy of doing what I once loved again that is important.
The Loving Adult stays focused on the dreams of the core self and does get sidetracked by the fears and false beliefs of the wounded adult child. Another example: I have a client who is very clear that her essence would love to move to a warm climate. She was taking steps to move towards this dream last winter (being a loving adult) but when spring/summer came along she began to enjoy the warm weather and stopped her planning for her move. When I saw her in early fall she said, “I don’t think we are going to move. We are going to buy a house and do some other things I’m excited about.” When we discussed what was happening it became clear that her wounded adult child was very fearful about moving and taking the risk of following her dream—so it came up with another plan which is what I call a “pacifier plan”. A “pacifier plan” is substituting something good, but safe, in place of the real dream, the real deal. She was able to see this and attend to the fears of the wounded self directly and make plans to reassure/calm her fears so she can stay on track with following her true dream, which is to move to a warm climate.
What are the dreams of your core essence, your true self? Make a list of your dreams and passions. It could be dreams you had as a child or dreams you have as an adult. If you could live your life in any way you would like, how would you be living it? Would you be living somewhere different? Would you be working part-time or in a different job altogether? Take time to unearth your deepest dreams. One of the biggest obstacles to uncovering dreams is being too busy. We need time to reflect and allow the true core essence to emerge. A friend of mine who worked 60-70 hours a week since graduating from college 18 years ago made a conscious decision to take a significant pay cut to work the standard 40 hours. After 6 months of being on his lighter schedule he said to me “I feel like I’m coming alive again—the last 18 years is a blur.” Family members and friends started to notice his old self re-emerging. It had been so long they had forgotten the playful, lighthearted guy they used to know. Ask your friends what your dreams are. Sound strange? What I have noticed is sometimes people’s core essence will come out and reveal their true dream to a friend or family member and then it goes underground and the person forgets they even said it! In this moment ask yourself what you really want. Close your eyes and tune into your body and see what pops into your head. This may be your first step to opening up to more of your aliveness and passion. We need more alive, passionate shining Light Bulbs. Won’t you let your light shine!
July 14th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
“An Inspired Life Can’t be Planned”
“I love to laugh, it keeps my soul alive.” ~ Mark, River Falls, WI
We are Spirits housed in human bodies. There are things that fuel our bodies and things that fuel our Spirit. If you neglect feeding your Spirit –you will feel drained and like you are a robot going through life. Being inspired is a powerful way of nourishing and uplifting your Spirit. What inspires you? How often are you around the things and people that inspire you? Just reflecting on what inspires you and making sure you are surrounding yourself with these things will lift your Spirit and energize you.
Tips To Get Yourself Inspired
1. Who are the people in your life that inspire you? What about them inspires you? This is a quality that you value and more than likely possess yourself but maybe you aren’t expressing in your life. Use this to open up more to this quality in your own life. Make sure the people you have in your life inspire you.
2. What music inspires you? What about the music uplifts you—is it the voice of the singer—the words–the rhythm? Do you like music that you can dance to or music that is calm and soothing.
3. What things visually inspire you? Is it certain things in nature—the ocean, mountains, trees? Is it certain colors? Is is certain architecture of buildings?
4. Which restaurants inspire you? What food do you love? What decor do you find appealing? Do you make sure to go to restaurants that inspire you. I love going to Cafe’ Mario’s because I love how they have decorated it, the music they play (Andrea Bocelli–my favorite:), the smells of the food, the laughter and connection that happens there.
5. What books do you find inspirational? What words uplift you? What authors inspire you?
6. What creative activity inspires you? Dancing, painting, playing music, singing, making jewelry.
7. Do you inspire yourself? Are you daring to live your dreams, express your creativity–living with passion? Are you committed to a vibrant, inspired life? Like the quote above–an inspired life can’t be planned. Are you willing to let go and allow yourself to be inspired—and more importantly to act on these inspirational impulses?
8. What geographic areas inspire you? Does your Spirit lift just thinking about Italy, Hawaii, Alaska or the California coast? Make a plan to travel to the areas that inspire you. There is a reason you are drawn to that area—it is a place that will feed your soul. If you can’t travel there just yet, put up pictures of that area that you can see every day.
9. What movies inspire you? Look for movies that inspire you—don’t settle for anything less than that .
For those of you who have read the “What Do You Really Want Workbook”, I mentioned one of my favorite inspirational movies, “Miss Potter”, about the amazing life of Beatrice Potter (the artist who created Peter Rabbit).
10. Talk to your friends and family about what inspires them—you will deepen your connection with them from having this discussion. Ask them “What inspires you?”
11. Surround yourself with things that inspire you. When you look around your home—are you inspired? Put up pictures that uplift you–buy art work that inspires you. Buy flowers that you love.
Open up to feeding your Spirit with all the the things that inspire you—and watch your energy level soar and your life expand into grand new possibilities!
I would love to hear what Inspires YOU. Please share this below (in the comments section).
July 12th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
What I have noticed in working with clients over the years is that many people have difficulty holding their own in a relationship. What I mean by this is taking 100 % responsibility for their happiness and holding true to the highest vision for their life and relationships. People can have sense when their partner is on a different path and maybe doesn’t have the same type of dedication to growth that they have. In response to this–they may do a variety of things to deal with this. The most common thing can be to start holding themselves back from their own growth. They sense that if they keep growing that they will “grow” out of the relationship. So they make a decision that they are willing to hold themselves back, rather than lose the relationship. They ended up bringing themselves down.
When I work with a client who is doing this–I have them look at the consequence of doing this. Typically they start to struggle with depression and or anxiety. It takes a lot to hold their own energy back–and typically they will start to feel very drained from this. The origin of doing this can come from their childhood. In order to get their parents’ approval they had to be more of who their parents wanted them to be–rather than who they truly are. They actually are used to holding themselves back in a relationship because they started doing this at a young age. The belief underlying this pattern is “I can’t be all that I came here to be and be loved too–I have to hold myself back to keep my relationships.”
I encourage them to love themselves for who they truly are—and commit to allowing themselves to be all that they came here to be. They will not really know the truth of their relationship until they do this. I have seen the other partner in this kind of relationship “rise up” and start to grow as well when their partner holds their ground in their own growth. They will never know if this is a possibility until they do this. If they do embrace themselves fully and not hold themselves back—move forward in their lives—and their partner continues to stay stuck for a period of time–they will know that they did everything they could to give the relationship a chance. They can walk away with peace—opening up to a healthier connection with someone with a similar commitment to growth.
July 7th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
When we have dreams there is a waiting period between having the dream in our mind and it coming into physical form. For some dreams this waiting period is very short—we have the dream and soon after the dream comes to pass. For many dreams there is some longer waiting period—a gestational period where we are preparing on the inner level to receive the dream and things are being prepared on the unseen level to manifest this dream as well. Also during this gestational period we may be taking physical actions to move us towards the dream.
What do you do during this waiting period? Do you stay positive and expectant this dream will manifest—or do you move into worry and fear? What we do during this waiting period is important. We can cause needless suffering if we move into worry and fear. To help yourself not move into worry and fear–it is important to embrace a feeling of faith and trust. Faith is having trust that the dream in your head will manifest in the physical world. It is having trust in the unseen process of manifestation that is taking place during this waiting period. Look for signs that you are on track. You may meet someone who has already manifested the dream you are wanting—this is a way that you are being shown that this dream is possible. Use this as reassurance that it will happen for you too. Don’t use it in a negative way where you say “That happened for them—it will never happen for me”. You may also get signs in a real literal way. This just happened to me yesterday. I had a few moments of doubt about a dream that I am manifesting and just as I thought those thoughts I saw a sign for a store called “Dreams Come True”. Now I have driven on this road 100′s of times and I had never seen this sign for this store before until yesterday! This has happened to me before during times I really needed the support—and it is so reassuring and magical.
If you are in a waiting period for your dream stay in a state of faith and trust. Look for signs and markers along the way that signal that you are on track–you just need to be patient. I would love to hear of some of the signs you have had as you moved towards your dream.
July 5th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
Practicing letting go of the outcome can be one of the most powerful things you can do to bring more lightness and peace into your life. When we try to to control the outcome of things it takes so much energy and it ends up stopping the natural flow of things. The core issue why people don’t let go of the outcome is that they don’t trust that the Universe is truly on their side—and not working against them–but for them. What if you really got that there is an incredible amount of support around you each and every moment—wanting you to succeed and flourish? The very thing you want—the Universe wants this for you as well and is supporting this unfolding. By letting go and trusting that what will unfold will be better than anything you could have imagined or tried to force into place.
Set your intention for what you want–take action on what feels right to do—and then let go and trust the unfolding of the manifestation of your dreams.