November 29th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
One of my favorite things that I learned when I was in Graduate school was concept of being congruent with our values. We first would identify and clarify what our values were and then see how aligned we were with these values in our current life. An example would be if we valued honesty -yet as we examined our life we found we were telling little white lies to avoid conflict–we would realize that we weren’t in full alignment with this value. The more we move our actions in alignment with our stated values–the more peaceful and whole we feel.
This of course is a work in progress as we move to align with our stated values—and also our stated values and priorities may shift over time as well. An example from my own life is I value simplicity and for things in my home to be neat and decluttered. Over the last 6 months I have been busy with work projects and made a conscious decision that I wouldn’t have time to have things as organized as I would like. A friend of mine who recently came to visit—had read my Simplicity article and came to visit and noticed I wasn’t in full alignment with what I was promoting in the article. It didn’t feel good to be out of alignment –yet I worked on being compassionate with myself knowing that I had good reasons for not being in alignment- and I had a plan to get things back on track now that I was less busy.
Think of areas of your life—where are you in alignment with your values and where are you off track? Notice where you are off track and check to see if the value is still a value that is a high priority for you. If it is then make a plan to get back in alignment with this–if it is not a high priority for you then note this and let go of putting a lot of energy into it.
Strive to live congruent to your most important values.
November 28th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
It is a challenge for most people to really love their body. We get so many cultural messages that promote a body ideal that is unrealistic for most people. It is like we all walk around with this toxic conditioning about the ideal body that we need to contend with if we are really going to move into self -love. One of the key things is to become aware that it is conditioning and NOT the truth. When you are judging your body against the ideal you are judging yourself against an unrealistic image.
Instead of judging your body for being different than the ideal—begin to appreciate your body for how it is unique and different—and this uniqueness makes up the specialness of YOU. Practice looking in the mirror at the part of your body you have been the hardest on and start to see the beauty of this part of you. It will take time and a focus on releasing your comparisons of this part of you to the supposed ideal. By practicing this you can move into a space of loving every part of your body and celebrating your unique and beautiful body.
It is your body. Claim it’s beauty!
November 26th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
“One cannot protect against pain and open to love at the same time.”
How open is your heart today? If you are in fear, judgement, blame, guilt etc—your heart is closed and you are closing yourself off from love and connection. The above states are created by the wounded self—whose main motivation is to protect against pain–and to control others around us in order to feel safe. So many of us have been trained that others are responsible for how we feel—”You hurt me” “You did this and you are wrong–and you need to stop”. If you give responsibility for how you feel to how people are acting around you—you have placed yourself in a victim position and are operating from a false belief that they are causing your pain. You inner pain is actually being caused by what you are telling yourself about what they are doing or saying to you. Your interpretation of what they are doing or saying is what is causing the pain—it is self-created. This can be difficult to get and understand–particularly when you are in the midst of reacting to what someone is saying or doing.
To shift to a more empowered stance–one where you are taking 100% responsibility for your emotional state–you need to shift your attention inward to your own reactions. Notice what you are telling yourself about what they are saying and doing – notice if it is a projection from the past or it is setting off a negative belief you hold about yourself. It could be “They really don’t care about me because of what they are doing” or “I must not be good enough if they are treating me this way”. These are false beliefs generally from past experiences. This is where you can learn a lot about what needs healing within you.
Our reactions have more to do with us than with what is actually going on outside of us. Use these reactions as opportunities to heal and grow–rather than feel helpless and victimized by others. The more you do this–you can then keep your heart open with compassion for yourself and the other person—who may be going through their own reactions as well. In an environment of compassion challenging situations can be opportunities for tremendous growth and awareness rather than times of pain and suffering.
Take responsibility for your own reactions and use them as opportunites for growth.
November 21st, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
It is easy to be grateful for all of the wonderful blessings in our lives. What about the challenges and difficult times? It is harder to move into a feeling of gratitude when things are hard. How can I be grateful for this situation that is causing me pain or confusion? I was on a coaching call the other night and one of my friends that was on the call said that he had a situation that blew up in his face—and this was from something he had initiated with good intentions. I was surprised to hear him talk in a cheerful voice about how grateful he was for the situation because he was able to see a pattern that has happened over and over for him—and he was able to see his part in creating this.
Trusting that every situation has something good in it for you–despite appearances– is something that can be cultivated. I work with this concept a lot with clients. Today I had a client who talked of sending a thank you note to her ex-boyfriend—who she was in one of the most challenging relationships of her life. The relationship was a huge catalyst for making a breakthrough for her in self-love and standing up for herself. The important thing is that while she was in the relationship she shifted from a victim stance of “you are doing these hurtful things to me” to a more empowered stance of what do I need to do to take care of myself in this situation–what is loving for me. She used the situation for her own growth and expansion—rather than falling victim to it and repeating an old hurtful pattern.
Think of a challenging situation that you are facing now. How can you shift your stance from a victim (you are doing this to me) to a more empowered stance (how can I use this as a vehicle for my own growth and expansion).
November 19th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
One of the things to be mindful of is the voice in your head. This is the voice that is filtering what is happening to you and making a commentary on it. It always amazes me how much we are filtering our own experience through the lens of past experiences. When we are doing this we are truly not in the present responding to what is happening NOW. To address this see if you can track your thoughts and see when they shift into a direction that is taking you out of the present and into the past. It could be a phrase you say to yourself like “Oh here we go again—this person is treating me this way–this happened to me before and something bad is going to happen–I need to protect myself.”
This thought is moving you out of the present and into the past—you are feeling the old feelings of the past and projecting them onto the current situation–then you are responding to this with protective behavior. A friend of mine calls this a “past attack” -which is a fitting description. You are not being in the present when you are doing this.
Instead you can say to yourself “This reminds me of the past—and I am feeling those old feelings—but it is not happening now–I am in a different situation and I will stay open to see clearly what is happening.” The more you stay in the present–the more you can respond to the present in a healthy, clear way.
Practice watching your thoughts and see if you can keep them focused on the present.
November 16th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
Do you live your life from faith or fear? When you are living from faith you are trusting that your life is unfolding perfectly–leading you on a path to your highest good. You trust that you are connected to a larger spiritual source that is good, loving and has your best interests at heart. When you live your life from fear—you believe that you alone are responsible for everything and that you have to micro-manage everything to make sure nothing bad happens. It is not a fun way to live—and it is also very exhausting.
So how do you shift from fear to faith? A good first step is to act as if you have faith—even though you might not fully trust—act as if. Act as if the Universe is a loving, good place—supporting you every step of the way. How would you act if you believed this—act as if. The more you act as if–the more you loosen the grip of your fear–your energy expands and opens—you will start to feel more in the flow. The more you relax and open you will start to feel this trust build–and you will see things in your life clicking into place easily—without you forcing things to happen. This helps you to relax and trust even more—the more you trust—the more things will flow. You are reversing the pattern of being in fear—which contracts your energy and makes things much more difficult in your life.
Act as if the Universe is a loving, good place supporting your highest good.
November 15th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
To be truly loving with yourself you need to be able to set loving boundaries with others. A boundary is NOT telling someone what to do but letting someone know what you will be doing in the face of what they are doing.
An example would be if a friend of yours is constantly late for your meetings, you may set a boundary that sounds like this “Karen, if you are late I am willing to wait 10 minutes for you to arrrive–if it is longer than that I will be leaving and we will have to arrange another time to meet.” Notice how this statement is neutral and non-blaming–you aren’t telling her she is bad and wrong for being late–you are just letting her know what you are choosing to do in the face of her behavior. The focus in on taking care of yourself—what you do have control over—rather than trying to get your friend to not be late–which is controlling.
So think of your relationships and instead of trying to get people in your life to change and do things how you would like them to —put the focus on you and what you can do to take care of yourself in the face of what they are doing. The more you keep your eyes on you and taking loving care of yourself the better you will feel about yourself and the less controlling you will be of others.
Keep your eyes on you. What are the loving actions you need to do to take care of yourself in the face of someone else’s behavior.
November 13th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
When you have a challenge in your life—what do you say to yourself about it? Do you say “Here we go again—why does this stuff always happen to me?” One of the things that I have learned over the years is that how we frame what is happening will shape our experience of it. It can be very helpful to shift into a perspective that says “I trust that there is a gift here for me–even though I can’t see what it is.” The gift will be in the form of a healing, a new insight, a shift in perspective–a transformation in a relationship. The gift is always there–it is just being open to see it. It can take some practice to do this—particularly if something is really challenging for you—and a gift is about the last thing you think will come out of it. But the interesting thing is that the bigger the challenge–the bigger the gift.
See if you can shift your thinking around a challenge you are experiencing and ask yourself “What is the gift here for me.”
November 12th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
I know I have talked about this before but it is such an important inner dynamic with self-esteem—and that is self-judgement. How you are feeling about yourself throughout the day will be determined by your inner dialogue–if it is loving and supportive or critical. The self-judgement at times can be so subtle that you may not even be aware of it. At the “I am Fabulous” Workshop that I did a few weeks ago–I had everyone draw a wheel and for each of area of their life color in that wedge how satisfied they were with that area of their life. What was interesting is that some people had the realization that they had wonderful things going on in their life but their own self-judgement kept them from experiencing and letting these good things in. Notice if this is the case for you. Do you have some wonderful things happening in your life—but your own self-judgement is blocking your enjoyment of these things. See if you you can let go of the judgements and let the good in! You’ll be amazed and how your life can shift by doing this simple change.
Let go of self-judgement and let the good in!
November 10th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
Hello-One of the things that will hold you back from feeling good about yourself is expectations of perfection. Do you put pressure on yourself to do things perfectly or to be perfect? See if you can watch yourself carefully to see if you are doing this because it puts unrealistic pressure on yourself—it also sets you up to self-judge if you fall short of your perfectionistic expectations. See if you can loosen things up for yourself and let yourself be imperfect and to do things imperfectly. You will find yourself relaxing more and just letting yourself be yourself—and you are WONDERFUL just the way you are—you don’t need to prove it with being perfect.
Today—relax and just let yourself be you—letting go of expectations of perfection!
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