December 27th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
I hope you are having a Wonderful Holiday! I had a great Christmas with my family. My sisters and I had developed an agenda for Christmas Eve that included sledding! We had so much fun–my favorite part was when we linked all of our inner tubes and went down the hill together–there was about 10 of us!! If you live in a cold climate and have some snow–make sure you get outside and sled.
I am so appreciative of my siblings—all of them have done personal growth work which has made a huge difference in our capacity to connect with each other. Because of that when we get together–we have a lot of fun—we don’t have the barriers that get in the way of connection. My brother (he is in the picture above with my sister, Erin and his daughter, Natalie), in particular, has done amazing work on himself over the years. We were at dinner and he looked at me and said “I feel the best physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally than I ever have in my life.” He has been very committed to his growth over the last few years–it has been his number one priority–and it really shows. He is one of the most loving and giving people I know.
He came over to my house on Christmas Eve morning to visit and asked if he could do something to help me get ready to go over to our parents house–he went and picked up some subs that I had ordered for the day. When we were at the sledding hill there was a young boy there by himself and he was just longing for attention. Barry (my brother) connected with him and when the little boy asked him to cheer him on when he went down the hill–Barry cheered him on. Many, many times throughout the Holiday Barry was sharing love and giving to different family members.
It made me think of clients who first come to see me and are worried that if they really focus on themselves they are being selfish and this will hurt those around them. Barry is a perfect example of what really happens. When we love and take care of ourselves on a deep level then we are able to care for and love others in a deeper way too. Our capacity to love and give expands. Make your growth your number one priority—it will be the best gift you can give those you love!
December 22nd, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
Claire came to see me because she was on break from college. She was confused because she had a strong desire to spend time alone. She said “I don’t want to talk to any of my friends or even my boyfriend who I really like–I just want to hang out in my room and read–I’m not sure why.”
We explored what things had been like for her over her semester at school. She said that a lot of her friends were struggling with some pretty intense issues—depression, relationship issues and family conflicts. Claire is energetically sensitive–meaning she is very sensitive to the energy around her–particularly the emotions that others are feeling. Because she doesn’t have tools to handle this sensitivity and buffer herself from the energy of those around her–she did what seemed to make sense to her at the time–which was to try to help her friends feel better. If they felt better than the energy around her would feel better—therefore she would feel better. She became the resident therapist and everyone would come and talk to her about what was going in and she would try and help them.
Instead of her friends getting support from her to figure out their own problems—they instead began to rely on her to figure these problems out for them. In the language of Inner Bonding she was playing the role of the Loving Adult for them. The more she was playing the role of this for them–the less they were playing it for themselves and they began to flounder even more. They felt better temporarily and maybe got some ideas to handle the current situation at hand—but the next issue that would come up—they would go right back to asking Claire about what to do. Instead of having time and energy to focus on her own life she felt consumed by the needs and issues of her friends.
The other thing that she was doing, which is very common for sensitive people to do, is that in her effort to help her friends she was energetically taking on their emotions and running them through her system. Almost like an unconscious way of saying “I will help you feel better by taking this from you”—and her friends were unconciously handing these emotions to her because they felt they did not know how to manage them on their own. After they would talk to her–her friends would feel better—lighter and Claire felt more agitated. It is no wonder that by the end of the semester she was exhausted.
Claire was relieved to understand why she was feeling so exhausted and it now made sense why she had the strong desire to be alone. She was nervous about going back to school and getting into the same situation all over again. What we did first was help her develop ways to protect herself energetically from the strong emotions of those around her. I had her imagine a protective shield around her own energy field—which extends about two feet around the perimeter of her body. I had her just feel herself nestled in her own energy field—letting go of any outside energetic influences.
Sometimes people who are energetically sensitive will expand their energy field throughout the whole house so that they are in tune with everybody in the house. So I had her practice bringing her energy field in so that is just surrounding her own body.
The other thing taught her was how to ground herself. We are designed to have a strong continous connection with the Earth–when we have this we are grounded. When we are grounded we are able easily discharge energy that we pick up from others. If we are ungrounded we just hold this energy inside and it starts to feel very uncomfortable–oftentimes it feels like anxiety or even a panic attack. Many people that I work with that are anxious are just very energetically sensitive and haven’t learned how to manage this. To ground I had her imagine roots extending down from her feet—through the floor into the earth—with each exhale imagining those roots extending deeper and deeper. I also had her imagine a root extending from the base of her spine into the earth as well. I suggested she walk outside regularly–ideally in nature–which naturally would ground her. We can also ground by physical movement—like dancing or running—we can ground through singing. Cooking food and eating can be grounding.
Sometimes very energetically sensitive people who haven’t learned to consciously ground or how to protect their energy will use eating food as a way to ground themselves–the extra weight can both serve as an attempt to ground and provide a buffer to the energy they feel so strongly around them.
The other thing we needed to address was her belief system around her friends and their problems. She felt that if she didn’t help her friends that they wouldn’t like her and that she wouldn’t be considered a good friend. We talked about trusting that her friends had incredible inner resources inside of them that they could tap into to help with their problems. Claire could stay focused on this while she was with them—being more of a support for them to find their own answers rather than figuring it out for them. She could also reassure herself that she was a good friend–even if they were mad at her. We defined a good friend as someone who supports the highest good of another person. By her not caretaking the other person and their feelings she was supporting their highest good as well as her own. We discussed how it may take time for her friends to adjust to her new behavior but that ultimately her changes were helping the friendships to become healthier.
The other thing she could do was to stay focused on her own life and her own self-care. If she developed a schedule for the day and one of her friends asked for support—if she didn’t have time she would have to lovingly say to them “I would really love to talk with you but my schedule is full today—I would have time in the morning to talk.” By honoring her own life and schedule she was engaging in good self-care—and actually strengthening her own energetic boundaries.
People who are energetically sensitive have to have really good self-care to stay balanced. They need to have enough rest, enough quiet time, enought exercise, eat the right foods and make sure they are around people and situations that aren’t jarring to their energy–plus regularly ground and protect their energy field. The earlier they recognize this and know that this self-care is essential and not optional–the easier their life will be.
If you are energetically sensitive—what do you do to take care of yourself? We would love to hear from you!
December 20th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
Last night I was thinking about my 89 year old friend Reuben. Reuben passed away about 4 years ago but made a profound and lasting impact on me and those he came into contact with. Reuben did not have a college education but he had a Ph.D in Love. He was one of the most loving people that I have ever encountered–love just radiated from his very being. He knew at a deep level that most important thing in life was to share love with others.
I remember one time when we were visiting my Dad and Step-Mom and Reuben turned to my Dad and said in a booming voice “There is nothing more important in the world than love, nothing!” My Dad had a startled reaction from the strength and clear conviction in which Reuben said this to him. It was interesting that he shared this with my Dad in particular. My Dad, in his essence, is a very loving person but because of painful events of his past he had numerous ways he keeps those he loves at a distance—there is a wall. If you asked him what was most important in his life he would say his family and his wife—yet where he channels his energy—tells a different story. Keeping a distance and not letting those he loves in too close is what is most important to him because that is what he spends his time doing—avoiding connection. He has chosen safety over love.
Being with Reuben gave me a clear picture of what life is like when you choose Love over safety. There was warmth and connection—fun and laughter—tears and working things out. There was a fullness and richness to his life that filled him with Joy. Reuben had never seen a therapist or attended a personal growth workshop—he seemed to intuitively get what led to happiness–and that was love and connection. He was so present when you were with him—it was like every molecule of his being was clearly focused on you— there was no distracted energy.
If there was a conflict in a relationship he wanted to work it out right way—in a way that created learning and understanding. He and I had different spiritual beliefs but he taught me the love between people transcended their differing beliefs—and if the love was the priority there could be a loving exchange of different ideas and perspectives. So often I would be in a session with someone and I would think “I wish Reuben were here to talk with this person”—because he got so clearly what most of us seem to lose along the way—and that is with love as your guiding light everything becomes clear.
What will you choose today—Love or Safety?
Just a brief note. I will be doing a 3 day Workshop in Ocala, Florida on January 25, 26 and 27 titled Inner Bonding, Breathwork and Joy. If you would like to clear away the blocks to loving yourself and others—this is the place to be! For more information click here http://www.radiantlifecounseling.com/workshops.htm
I would love to see you there!
December 16th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
If when you were little you experienced pain and your parents were too caught up in their own world to comfort you or they were the ones causing you pain–you developed methods to block the pain. To feel the pain and have no way to process it 0r to have someone comfort you is very overwhelming for a child. Kids will begin to block painful feelings very early on if they are in this kind of environment. The part of us that does this is our Wounded Adult Child—meaning a protective part of us that had to intervene and protect against pain.
We all have different methods of protecting against our pain–overthinking, overeating, overworking, being obsessed with being perfect, overfocusing on others, daydreaming, watching TV, or reading etc. The last two I mentioned watching TV and reading can either be coming from an intention to block pain and avoid—or they can be a healthy form of enjoyment. For example you can watch a movie to avoid some painful feelings you are having and you want to escape—or you want to have some enjoyment and fun by watching the movie—same activity but different intentions.
As an adult–blocking our pain ends up getting in our way. The methods we use to block pain can get in the way of us feeling deeply connected to ourselves–and our capacity to connect with others. Our feelings are part of us—and if we are blocking them–we are missing a deep connection with ourselves.
The truth is that you are an adult now and you have the capacity to process your feelings, comfort yourself—or get support and comfort from those around you. You aren’t alone with your pain anymore. The Wounded Adult Child part of you needs to be reassured of this—these parts of you are locked in the past and feel like what was happening back then is the current environment—do they are tirelessly blocking your pain, your feelings because they feel they need to for your survival! It can take time for these blocking mechanisms to relax and acclimate to what is truly happening. These protective parts believe that if you feel pain—it will be overwhelming and that you might even die. Reassure them that you can handle the pain now–you can share with others how you are feeling, you can journal your feelings, you can seek the support of a therapist.
You are now fully capable of feeling and processing your pain—both from the past and pain from the present.
December 14th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
Carol was in her 40’s and struggled with her weight since she was a child. She binged on sweets and couldn’t seem to control herself. She called me for some phone sessions to address this issue. In the first session it became clear what the inner dynamic was that was fueling her desire for the sweets.
Carol was very hard on herself and put pressure on herself to be perfect all of the time. She felt if she was perfect she would then be loveable and acceptable to the people around her. This was a reflection of the way her Mom treated her. When she was young her Mom didn’t see her clearly–and put pressure on her to be perfect—the message was “If you are perfect, then I will love you and accept you.” Because of the pain of not being loved unconditionally for who she really was and the pressure from her Mom to be perfect– she began to use sweets as a child to comfort herself.
This pattern continued into adulthood and was confusing for Carol because her Mom was no longer in her life and she was surrounded by people who truly did love her unconditionally. Carol was able to realize that she had a wounded part of her that was just like her Mom–putting pressure on her to be perfect and not seeing her own intrinsic worth and loveability just as she was. This pressure was creating a lot of anxiety within her and to cope with it she overate the sweets to comfort herself.
Once she recognized this she was able to shift into being more loving and supportive with herself–much like she was able to be with her own children. She gave herself messages like “It’s OK to be you, you are loveable just the way you are.” “It’s OK not to be perfect–just relax and be yourself–you are enough just as you are.” As she gave herself these new messages she felt herself relax for the first time in years and stopped having the intense craving for sweets. She was able to understand this and heal this long-standing issue in only two sessions!
What I love about the Inner Bonding process is that it helps to gain insight and clarity into the inner dynamic that is fueling our feelings and behavior. This clarity is about 70% of the healing. This morning as I worked with a client and we developed clarity about a long-standing pattern of hers—the feeling or incredible relief in the room was palpable. Now with awareness of the inner dynamic she had a clear path for healing and shifting the dynamic that was causing her so much pain.
Notice a long standing patterns of yours. What do you think you are saying to yourself on the inner level that is fueling this pattern—can you track the sequence of it. Example: I say this to myself—my reaction is this (ex. anxiety)–to deal with this reaction I then do this.
We are talking to ourselves all of the time—having inner dialogues that are either loving and supportive—or critical and hurtful. Inner Bonding helps to bring these dialogues to conscious awareness so that you can make decisions to shift these dialogues to being more supportive to you.
December 13th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
A common thing that I notice in my work with clients is the pattern of being stuck in one’s head attempting to “figure” things out. As mentioned to my client this a.m. —”If this kind of mental activity was productive I would be all for it.” –but the reality is that this type of mental activity is not productive and just creates stress and anxiety. Oftentimes this stuckness in one’s thinking is just a negative thought pattern–or patterned ways of thinking that do not lead to creative solutions or resolution of a problem. The more you think along these lines—the more you feel stuck.
Sometimes you may be trying to “figure” something out that just cannot be resolved in the moment because of circumstances. It could be that the situation is out of your control—there is nothing that you can do. Or it could be that the situation is in process and that other people are involved and you don’t know what their decisions will be. In these cases—thinking about the situation is unproductive—there is nothing that you can do–so the best thing to do is to let it go and bring yourself back into the present moment. Ask yourself “What do I need to do to be loving with myself right now?” Oftentimes the only power you have is to take care of yourself in the here and now —trusting that over time the situation will reach some resolution.
Many of things that we worry about or overthink never even come to pass—what in the moment seems like a “big issue”—ends up resolving itself with the passage of time or a slight shift in your own perception of it. A client recently reported that a long standing struggle she had with a situation resolved itself in moments with a shift of her perception of it and the pain instantly evaporated. This surprised her and opened the doorway for her to do the same thing with other issues that have been “tormenting” her for years.
When you are stuck in your head—ask yourself “Is this thinking productive–it is moving forward with a solution–or am I just going around and around with something that is unsolveable in this moment?” If it is currently unsolveable–than let it go and bring yourself into the present moment and do something loving for yourself.
December 10th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
Where is your attention going today—what are your thoughts? Are your thoughts hopeful, positive and affirming or are they worried, fearful and pessimistic. It is amazing how we are in charge of our emotional state by what we choose to focus on with our thoughts.
This past Friday I was working on a project and I started to get irritated—the irritation gave me a signal that I was thinking something that was leading to the irritation. I was able to track the thoughts that led to the irritation and make a decision to let go of those thoughts and instantly felt better.
What I find is that most of us let our thoughts run around in our mind like wild horses. There is no focus and awareness—just letting the thoughts swing from one thought to another without reflecting on the productivity of these thoughts—or if these thoughts are even true. Many of the thoughts we have are assumptions, interpretations about events or others that aren’t even true.
See if you can check in on your thoughts today and see if what you are thinking is A. Making you feel good B. Is the thought true–or an assumption C. Does thinking this thought help the situation at all—are you using your thoughts to reach a decision or is it just mental activity that runs in circles and is unproductive.
Track your thinking and make sure that your thoughts are helping you to feel good and are truly productive.
December 6th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
One of the things that gets in the way of happiness is trying to control others and outcomes. You may not be aware that you are even doing this.
I remember when I first began to work with the Inner Bonding process for my own healing -I would have sessions with Margaret Paul, the co-creator of Inner Bonding and she would give me feedback about the ways I was trying to control others and outcomes. I remember my initial reaction “Who me—I’m so nice–how can I be controlling??” The way that I attempted to control others and outcomes was more subtle than someone who used the traditional forms of controlling (anger, blame, yelling etc.) One way I controlled was through my niceness—I would try to have control over how people viewed me by being nice to them. If I was nice they I would get their approval.
You see initially I didn’t see my own worth and loveability–and that my very essence is kind. As I did my own healing I was able to see my own worth and loveability—therefore I didn’t need to “get” it from others through their approval. I could let go of trying to be nice from an energy of controlling how others saw me —to being nice from my essence—letting go if they saw me as a nice person or not. This also enabled me to speak my truth and set healthy boundaries with others as well. I could set a boundary and not worry that the person would be mad at me and think I wasn’t nice because I already new I was a nice person.
See clearly who you are—your intrinsic worth and loveability–and let go of how others see you. The more you do this the less you will attempt to control how people see you in order to feel worthy.
December 3rd, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
One of the most empowering decisions you can make is to take 100 % responsibility for your happiness. The reality is that YOU are the only one who is in charge of your happiness. You are the one who chooses the thoughts you entertain in your mind and the way that you interpret what is happening in your life. You are the one that is capable of taking actions that are loving to you and that move you in the direction of your dreams. Check in to see if you are either consciously or unconsciously handing the responsibility for your happiness over to someone else in your life. If you feel frustrated, stuck and helpless—these are some indicators that you may be doing this.
Make a decision today to take 100% responsibility for your happiness—let go of the belief that others have to change or do something different in order for you to be happy. It is fully in your hands.
December 1st, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
Are you making choices from your Wounded Self or your Loving Adult? When you make choices that are in alignment with your Loving Adult —these are choices in alignment with your authentic self—who you really are. When you make choices from this part of you—these choices will lead to happiness and fulfillment. On the other hand–choices made from your Wounded Self–your reactive, protective conditioned patterns—this will lead to feelings of unhappiness and frustration.
Sam had a deep intention to be in a healthy, intimate partnership. He had this intention when he begin meeting people through internet dating. Sam met Karen who had been doing her own personal growth work for years and also was seeking a healthy partnership. They had an easy connection when they began talking on the phone and they could easily share with each other at deeper level. They also discovered that they had quite a bit in common and had common dreams for the future. As they deepened their connection they both were surprised that protective, wounded parts of themselves began to surface. They both realized that the very thing that they both wanted–a healthy, deep connection with a partner–was actually a possibility in this relationship. While that was exciting–it was also terrifying at the same time–because the deeper the connection–the more risk of loss there was as well.
Initially they were able to talk about these reactions and work through them in a positive way that deepened their connection even more. At times the anxiety would get overwhelming for Sam and to manage it he began to distance himself in the relationship—he wouldn’t call as much or make plans to call and then not call Karen. What began to happen is he began to make choices from his wounded self that were out of alignment with what he was wanting on a deeper level. His wounded self even had a different agenda than his loving adult and that was to subtlety sabotage the relationship so it would eventually end so he wouldn’t have to deal with the fear that was coming up. If that would happen he would feel the temporary relief of being out of a situation that was causing him fear—but he would eventually feel the loneliness and longing–for what his authentic self really wanted–which was a healthy, intimate partnership.
Check in today—are your choices and actions in alignment with the deepest part of you or with the wounded part of you that is trying to keep you “safe”.
