June 14th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
One of the the things that I love about my sister Vanessa is that whenever we talk if one of us has an “issue” we talk about it for about 5 minutes and then we start laughing hysterically–making fun of whatever we think is so awful. It is always such a relief and puts whatever we are stressed about in the proper perspective.
If you really think about it there are very few issues that are “life and death” yet we can sometimes get into that kind of mode with whatever we are focused on. The more serious you are about the issue—the more you need to laugh about it. See if you can think of something weighing on you right now? What if you knew that it would be resolved in a way that would be perfectly—and that it would resolve itself with minimal effort from you? Could you let go of your focus on this—and even have a little fun with it?
The truth is the more you are able to lighten up about something—the more relaxed you will be and in this relaxed state solutions to your “issue” will easily pop into your head. Sometimes if a client is really stressed out about something I will suggest that they have a lot of fun—get their mind completely off of it—it is in this place that they more easily resolve the issue.
So let go of trying to figure it all out—and have some fun instead!
June 11th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
June 11th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
“A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” William Shedd
Do you have a dream that you want to take action on but you are afraid? You are not alone.
When I worked with an intellectual property attorney in Chicago for the Trademarks for the Global Association of Holistic Psychotherapy (which I founded a year ago) he said to me in one of our final calls “Congratulations Shelley” and I said for what.
He said “Do you know that of all the people I talk to day in and day out about their dreams and great ideas only 10% of them actually take action to make the dream come true–and you took the action to make your dream come true–so congratulations”
That conversation has really stayed with me and has made me even more passionate about helping people move beyond their fears and into their dreams. So much brilliance and potential that never gets to see the light of day–because of fear–how sad.
Here are my favorite tips for moving beyond the common fears that hold people back from living their Dreams.
1. “I’m afraid”
Solution: Don’t wait for the fear to go away–because it won’t. What actually helps is taking action on your dream and moving forward and surprisingly the fear begins to subside.
2.”I’m not ready“
Solution: What I have found is people are more ready then they feel they are. When I work with clients to step forward with their dreams even though they don’t feel ready they often are surprised that they really were! A common phrase I hear with clients when they get to this phase is “I wish I would have done this sooner!”
3. “What if I fail”
Solution: Think of the act of pursuing your dream as a success–no matter what happens. I have found that moving forward with your dream is ALWAYS going to lead to good things even if there are some challenges along the way.
4. “I’m afraid to take a risk”
Solution: In order to grow and expand to the fullness of who you came to be you need to get comfortable risking and being uncomfortable. That is the process of growth. If you hide out in your comfort zone you are going to miss out on fully living and making the most of your precious time here.
It is time to release whatever fears you have and step into the beautiful dreams that your heart has been calling you to step into. The time is now!
June 10th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
June 9th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
Last night I was thinking about my 89 year old friend Reuben. Reuben passed away about 8 years ago but made a profound and lasting impact on me and those he came into contact with. Reuben did not have a college education but he had a Ph.D in Love. He was one of the most loving people that I have ever encountered–love just radiated from his very being. He knew at a deep level that most important thing in life was to share love with others.
I remember one time when we were visiting my Dad and Step-Mom and Reuben turned to my Dad and said in a booming voice “There is nothing more important in the world than love, nothing!” My Dad had a startled reaction from the strength and clear conviction in which Reuben said this to him. It was interesting that he shared this with my Dad in particular. My Dad, in his essence, is a very loving person but because of painful events of his past he had numerous ways he keeps those he loves at a distance—there is a wall. If you asked him what was most important in his life he would say his family and his wife—yet where he channels his energy—tells a different story. Keeping a distance and not letting those he loves in too close is what is most important to him because that is what he spends his time doing—avoiding connection. He has chosen safety over love.
Being with Reuben gave me a clear picture of what life is like when you choose Love over safety. There was warmth and connection—fun and laughter—tears and working things out. There was a fullness and richness to his life that filled him with Joy. Reuben had never seen a therapist or attended a personal growth workshop—he seemed to intuitively get what led to happiness–and that was love and connection. He was so present when you were with him—it was like every molecule of his being was clearly focused on you— there was no distracted energy.
If there was a conflict in a relationship he wanted to work it out right way—in a way that created learning and understanding. He and I had different spiritual beliefs but he taught me the love between people transcended their differing beliefs—and if the love was the priority there could be a loving exchange of different ideas and perspectives. So often I would be in a session with someone and I would think “I wish Reuben were here to talk with this person”—because he got so clearly what most of us seem to lose along the way—and that is with love as your guiding light everything becomes clear.
What will you choose today—Love or Safety?
June 7th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
A common thing that I notice in my work with clients is the pattern of being stuck in one’s head attempting to “figure” things out. As mentioned to my client this a.m. —”If this kind of mental activity was productive I would be all for it.” –but the reality is that this type of mental activity is not productive and just creates stress and anxiety. Oftentimes, this stuckness in one’s thinking is just a negative thought pattern–or patterned ways of thinking that do not lead to creative solutions or resolution of a problem. The more you think along these lines—the more you feel stuck.
Sometimes you may be trying to “figure” something out that just cannot be resolved in the moment because of circumstances. It could be that the situation is out of your control—there is nothing that you can do. Or it could be that the situation is in process and that other people are involved and you don’t know what their decisions will be. In these cases—thinking about the situation is unproductive—there is nothing that you can do–so the best thing to do is to let it go and bring yourself back into the present moment. Ask yourself “What do I need to do to be loving with myself right now?” Oftentimes the only power you have is to take care of yourself in the here and now —trusting that over time the situation will reach some resolution.
Many of things that we worry about or overthink never even come to pass—what in the moment seems like a “big issue”—ends up resolving itself with the passage of time or a slight shift in your own perception of it. A client recently reported that a long standing struggle she had with a situation resolved itself in moments with a shift of her perception of it and the pain instantly evaporated. This surprised her and opened the doorway for her to do the same thing with other issues that have been “tormenting” her for years.
When you are stuck in your head—ask yourself “Is this thinking productive–it is moving forward with a solution–or am I just going around and around with something that is unsolveable in this moment?” If it is currently unsolveable–than let it go and bring yourself into the present moment and do something loving for yourself.
June 2nd, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
Carol was in her 40′s and struggled with her weight since she was a child. She binged on sweets and couldn’t seem to control herself. She called me for some phone sessions to address this issue. In the first session it became clear what the inner dynamic was that was fueling her desire for the sweets.
Carol was very hard on herself and put pressure on herself to be perfect all of the time. She felt if she was perfect she would then be loveable and acceptable to the people around her. This was a reflection of the way her Mom treated her. When she was young her Mom didn’t see her clearly–and put pressure on her to be perfect—the message was “If you are perfect, then I will love you and accept you.” Because of the pain of not being loved unconditionally for who she really was and the pressure from her Mom to be perfect– she began to use sweets as a child to comfort herself.
This pattern continued into adulthood and was confusing for Carol because her Mom was no longer in her life and she was surrounded by people who truly did love her unconditionally. Carol was able to realize that she had a wounded part of her that was just like her Mom–putting pressure on her to be perfect and not seeing her own intrinsic worth and loveability just as she was. This pressure was creating a lot of anxiety within her and to cope with it she overate the sweets to comfort herself.
Once she recognized this she was able to shift into being more loving and supportive with herself–much like she was able to be with her own children. She gave herself messages like “It’s OK to be you, you are loveable just the way you are.” “It’s OK not to be perfect–just relax and be yourself–you are enough just as you are.” As she gave herself these new messages she felt herself relax for the first time in years and stopped having the intense craving for sweets. She was able to understand this and heal this long-standing issue in only two sessions!
What I love about the Inner Bonding process is that it helps to gain insight and clarity into the inner dynamic that is fueling our feelings and behavior. This clarity is about 70% of the healing. This morning as I worked with a client and we developed clarity about a long-standing pattern of hers—the feeling or incredible relief in the room was palpable. Now with awareness of the inner dynamic she had a clear path for healing and shifting the dynamic that was causing her so much pain.
Notice a long standing patterns of yours. What do you think you are saying to yourself on the inner level that is fueling this pattern—can you track the sequence of it. Example: I say this to myself—my reaction is this (ex. anxiety)–to deal with this reaction I then do this.
We are talking to ourselves all of the time—having inner dialogues that are either loving and supportive—or critical and hurtful. Inner Bonding helps to bring these dialogues to conscious awareness so that you can make decisions to shift these dialogues to being more supportive to you.
May 31st, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
Where is your attention going today—what are your thoughts? Are your thoughts hopeful, positive and affirming or are they worried, fearful and pessimistic. It is amazing how we are in charge of our emotional state by what we choose to focus on with our thoughts.
This past Friday I was working on a project and I started to get irritated—the irritation gave me a signal that I was thinking something that was leading to the irritation. I was able to track the thoughts that led to the irritation and make a decision to let go of those thoughts and instantly felt better.
What I find is that most of us let our thoughts run around in our mind like wild horses. There is no focus and awareness—just letting the thoughts swing from one thought to another without reflecting on the productivity of these thoughts—or if these thoughts are even true. Many of the thoughts we have are assumptions, interpretations about events or others that aren’t even true.
See if you can check in on your thoughts today and see if what you are thinking is:
A. Making you feel good
B. Is the thought true–or an assumption
C. Does thinking this thought help the situation at all—are you using your thoughts to reach a decision or is it just mental activity that runs in circles and is unproductive.
Track your thinking and make sure that your thoughts are helping you to feel good and are truly productive.
May 27th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
One of the things that gets in the way of happiness is trying to control others and outcomes. You may not be aware that you are even doing this.
I remember when I first began to work with the Inner Bonding process for my own healing -I would have sessions with Margaret Paul, the co-creator of Inner Bonding and she would give me feedback about the ways I was trying to control others and outcomes. I remember my initial reaction “Who me?—I’m so nice–how can I be controlling??” The way that I attempted to control others and outcomes was more subtle than someone who used the traditional forms of controlling (anger, blame, yelling etc.) One way I controlled was through my niceness—I would try to have control over how people viewed me by being nice to them. If I was nice them, I would get their approval.
You see, initially I didn’t see my own worth and loveability–and that my very essence is kind. As I did my own healing I was able to see my own worth and loveability—therefore I didn’t need to “get” it from others through their approval. I could let go of trying to be nice from an energy of controlling how others saw me —to being nice from my essence—letting go if they saw me as a nice person or not. This also enabled me to speak my truth and set healthy boundaries with others as well. I could set a boundary and not worry that the person would be mad at me and think I wasn’t nice because I already new I was a nice person.
See clearly who you are—your intrinsic worth and loveability–and let go of how others see you. The more you do this the less you will attempt to control how people see you in order to feel worthy.
May 24th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
One of the most empowering decisions you can make is to take 100 % responsibility for your happiness. The reality is that YOU are the only one who is in charge of your happiness. You are the one who chooses the thoughts you entertain in your mind and the way that you interpret what is happening in your life. You are the one that is capable of taking actions that are loving to you and that move you in the direction of your dreams. Check in to see if you are either consciously or unconsciously handing the responsibility for your happiness over to someone else in your life. If you feel frustrated, stuck and helpless—these are some indicators that you may be doing this.
Make a decision today to take 100% responsibility for your happiness—let go of the belief that others have to change or do something different in order for you to be happy. It is fully in your hands.
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