Shelley describes how she uses both Inner Bonding and Breathwork to help her clients heal their wounded self and connect with their Inner Child/Authentic Self. The Breathwork helps her clients to access their blocked feelings, so they can then work with healing their painful feelings with the Inner Bonding process.
In 1993 I attended the Association for Humanistic Psychology Conference in Indianapolis. I was exposed for the first time to two powerful healing modalities: Breathwork and Inner Bonding. Little did I know at the time that I would go on to use both of these for my own healing process and eventually integrate the two in my work with clients. As a psychotherapist and a breathworker it is my deepest desire to assist clients in listening more deeply to their authentic self. The voice of the authentic self is a subtle voice that can so easily be crowded out by obligations or pushed aside until later (many times later never comes). Inner Bonding and Breathwork are two of the best ways I know of to reconnect with this authentic self.

Inner Bonding

Inner Bonding was developed by Dr. Erika Chopich and Dr. Margaret Paul. It was first presented in their book Healing Your Aloneness. The process evolved and Dr. Margaret Paul went on to publish Inner Bonding and her latest book Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? One of the sayings we so often hear and say is “You really have to love yourself before you can really love another”. The question is, how do you do that? What does it look like to really love yourself? Do we have role models for what it looks like to be loving towards ourselves? If we did not have parents who loved themselves it is difficult for us to learn how to do this. Our parents may have been loving to us and others but unloving to themselves.

Inner Bonding offers a road map on how to create an internal relationship that is loving and supportive. It is based on a six step process that can be used throughout the day to more deeply connect with the self and one’s spiritual connection. One of the goals of Inner Bonding is to develop an internal loving Adult who cares for the authentic self. In Inner Bonding the authentic self is referred to as the Child. We tend to be more open, caring and compassionate with a part of ourselves that we view as a child than as an adult. Also viewing this part as a child helps us to understand that this is a tender part of us that needs our attention, love and protection. Many people do not have an internal loving Adult because they themselves never received loving care from their parents and/or their parents did not love themselves and didn’t role model this. Most people tend to operate from a wounded child-adult aspect, a part of them that is modeled after their parent’s behavior towards them. This wounded child-adult has hundreds of false beliefs that were learned from parents and other caregivers. The six major false beliefs that tend to be most prevalent are:

1. There is something wrong with me. I’m unlovable, unworthy, inadequate, defective in some way.
2. I am powerless over how I feel. Other people or outside events are responsible for making me happy or unhappy.
3. Other people’s feelings are more important than mine, and I am responsible for their feelings.
4. I can control what others think of me, feel about me, and how they treat me.
5. Resisting others’ control over me is essential to my integrity.
6. I can’t handle pain, discomfort, fear, hurt, grief, anger, disconnection from others, boredom, disappointment, shame or aloneness.

These false beliefs of the wounded child-adult create a lot of pain both internally and in relationships with others. When there is no internal loving Adult the wounded child-adult is in charge of the system. If you can imagine your internal system as a bus and the wounded child-adult (who tends to be the age that it learned the false belief, let’s say 7 years old) is driving the bus and the Inner Child, the authentic self, is curled up in the back seat holding on for dear life! Many people are living their lives this way, operating from a wounded child-adult perspective. Another consequence of operating out of the wounded child-adult perspective is that people tend to recreate internally the same dynamic that they themselves grew up in. Let’s say someone was criticized constantly and told they were not good enough. There is a good chance that today in their inner relationship their wounded child-adult is critical of their Inner Child in the same way. This causes the continued low self-esteem and self-worth that was started in that person’s childhood. They may look to their parents as the cause of their low self-esteem without realizing that they are continuing it on the inner level.

It is a creative process to develop an internal loving Adult. Many people have a grandparent or family friend that was loving to them that they use as a role model for developing this. Sometimes they have a spiritual image that provides a loving role model. It is our job to make the choice to develop this loving Adult and then parent both the wounded child-adult and the Inner Child. This loving Adult can bring through the truth about the false beliefs that cause so much pain if they go unchallenged. When there is a loving Adult present the internal relationship is loving and supportive. Going back to our image of the bus, imagine a loving Adult entering the bus and tapping the wounded child-adult on the shoulder and saying, “I’m here now, you don’t have to do this big job. I can drive and take good care of both you and the Inner Child. You can relax and let go.” Sometimes people will balk at doing inner child work and think it is silly. It can be helpful for them to think of the child as the authentic self. I find that the people most resistant to the idea are often the people who need it the most. Inner Bonding facilitator Nancy Weston shared with me the following statement: “It is by going into the softness that we grow strong.”

Breathwork

Breathing has been used for thousands of years as a path of personal and psycho-spiritual development. One of the oldest yoga Textbooks dating back 4000 years is the Shiva Sutras. It is a manual on how to breathe to become centered. Pranayama is the yoga term for Breathwork. Prana means life energy and yama means to lengthen. The practice of pranayama is a means to enhance life energy through lengthening or deepening the breath. The ancient yogis probably were the first to discover the relationship between breathing and mental/emotional states. They noted that certain forms of breathing evoked corresponding mental states. Irregular, shallow breathing was seen to result in disturbances of mind, emotion and body. Full, relaxed smooth breathing was seen as an accompaniment of a quiet mind.

In the west, German psychiatrist Wilhelm Reich emerged in the early part of the last century as a pioneer in the field of psychology with his therapeutic use of breathing. He was an early associate of Sigmund Freud and pioneered the entire field of body centered therapy. One of Reich’s observations was that people tended to develop what he called body armor. Body armor is when we protect ourselves from painful feelings and experiences by withdrawing ourselves and erecting defenses. These defenses can take the form of chronic muscular tension. He noticed that when a client had a significant breakthrough in analysis there was often an accompanying release in muscular tension. Reich noticed that muscular armoring reduced the full range of vitality. Reich observed that breathing was always compromised when a person erected armor. When feelings were held in, the breath was held in. He had his patients lie down and breathe deeply through their mouths. As the breathing deepened and the muscle tensions released, often there were corresponding releases of deep emotion. Clients would cry, yell, laugh or shake in fear that had been held in the body.

One of the most recent outgrowths of Reich’s pioneering efforts is Rebirthing. Rebirthing was developed by Leonard Orr through his own personal experiences as he breathed in his bathtub. As he practiced deep breathing in warm water, he found himself activating birth memories and experiences (Hence, the term “Rebirthing.”) Over time, he discovered that the technique could be used on dry land with similar results. In Rebirthing people do not always go back to their birth experiences. They may go to childhood experiences or process recent emotions. Rebirthing can still be a fitting title for these experiences because people will have such transformative experiences that it feels like they are rebirthing into a new self.

Modern day Breathwork is diverse with styles including Holotropic, Integrative and Radiance to name a few. Many of these styles integrate Reichian aspects as well as Rebirthing techniques. They also may integrate work from different body centered therapies as well as psychological theories.

In the work that I do with clients I have the client lie down and breathe in full connected breathes. As they breathe they will have various body sensations. Examples could be a pain in a leg, tingling in hands, tightness in the chest. The body may feel warm or cold, with numbness or streaming sensations. As they continue to breathe and become more present to what is happening in their bodies, emotions may surface. This may be sadness, fear, grief, loneliness or anger from the past or present. The client can then breathe into the feeling and allow it to be fully expressed. They may express the feeling by crying, yelling, shaking their body, hitting a cushion, verbalizing the unexpressed feelings etc.

Each person expresses him or herself in a different way. It is important to continue to breathe while expressing the emotion so it can be fully released from the body. It is at this time that they are connected to their authentic self, their Inner Child. The child speaks to us through the body. Often at the end of the session people are surprised with what has surfaced and say, “I never knew that was inside of me.”; This can be an example of the disconnection with the Child/Body/Authentic self. If there was an ongoing true connection there would be no surprises.

When we ignore the child (the body) we tend to get louder and louder messages: the minor back pain turns into our back going out and we are unable to move. It takes time to learn what the message is and it is well worth the effort. The child/body wants us to be healthy, whole and in balance. It is important to utilize processes like Inner Bonding and Breathwork, any process that can bring you closer to your authenticity in the moment. It is through this deep listening to the body/child/authentic self, and responding to what is learned, that we build an internal loving relationship that nourishes us. It is from this connected, loving place that we are truly able to share love with those around us and contribute to a more loving world.

Credit goes to Carol Lampman for providing the background history of Breathwork.

What brings you joy?

Fills your heart?

Makes your spirit sing?

Do you know people who seem to be naturally joyful and wonder what their secret is?  I believe that the feeling of joy can be cultivated, nurtured and expanded no matter what your starting point is.  As a psychotherapist I have had a special interest in studying the blossoming field of Joy for the last two years.  There is an area of study in psychology called positive psychology which explores all of the factors that lead to the positive emotional states like joy, contentment, fulfillment etc.  Paul Pearsall, Ph.D, author of Super Joy (Don’t you just love the title—not just “Joy” but “Super Joy”!) refers to himself as a Joyologist.  As soon as I read that I thought, “What a great idea—I’m going to be a joyologist too.”  Feel free to adopt this title for yourself—no degree required– just a deep desire to learn what needs to happen to bring yourself more into this wondrous state in your day to day life.

So that is what I have been doing both personally and professionally—learning what brings people into that state of joy.  This past spring I started a Joy group with clients who had an interest in learning with others how to bring more joy into their lives (all fellow joyologists!).  I jokingly asked clients “I’m thinking of doing a Fear group or a Joy group—which would you like to join?”

In my practice I have always been committed to assisting clients to live more freely and authentically.  I use breathwork and a psychospiritual process called Inner Bonding to help clients connect more fully with their bodies and by doing this they connect with their authentic feelings.  Once feelings that have been held in the body are expressed and released a feeling of lightness follows.  When these denser emotions are freed the natural upwelling of peace and joy surfaces.  What I hoped would happen for myself and my clients was that this state of peace and joy would just continue to grow until that was the natural state of being in the world.  In many cases, myself included, maintaining this state consistently was just not happening.

That is when I began my exploring, asking the questions “What is happening here? Why is this feeling so difficult to consistently maintain?”  What I found was that most people lived in a state of suppression of their core essence—the part of us that is in a state of joy.  There also seemed to be an addiction—a deep attachment to feelings of anxiety, fear and depression.  I found that people loved that state of joy and peace but they didn’t have the tools or support to maintain these feelings.  They had much more practice and support in being able to maintain their previous state of anxiety, depression and suppression.  I had clients report that if they felt too joyful it scared them because they weren’t used to the feeling.  They would often hear parental messages like “Don’t get so excited” “Be quiet”

“Don’t be so full of yourself”.  Another common message was “I don’t deserve to feel this good.”  Some clients reported that when they were feeling joyful friends and family who were in a less joyful state didn’t know how to react to them, or even worse they criticized them.  Clients became aware of their own choices that would bring them from that state of joy back into anxiety or depression.  There were fears about what would happen to current relationships if they maintained this state of joy and connection to their authentic self.

I wanted myself and my clients to be able to move more and more into that state of joy.  What I found in my own personal process as well as in my work with clients were the following keys to living with more Joy.

1. A deep intention and commitment to being in a joyful state. This is the most important key to Joy.  Our energy follows our intention.  This is a moment-by- moment choice.  What within me needs to shift in order to open up to the joy of this moment?  What are your beliefs about joy?  Do you think it’s something that just happens to you or something you can actively cultivate and move more into in your life?  Your beliefs shape your experiences.  Notice how you react to joyful people—are you drawn to them or do you make judgments about them (i.e. they are fake, flaky, flighty, strange)?
2. Tools.Learning specific exercises and activities that helped shift them into a state of joy.  Clients were able to identify things they could do to move them into a more joyful state.  For each person this was different.  Some would move into expressing gratitude or appreciation as a way of shifting into joy.  For some a favorite activity would be their path to shifting.  Others would have a favorite memory of a joyful time that would help them recapture those feelings.
3. Awareness of negative programming/messages/false beliefs that did not support Joy. When clients embraced the intention of being more in a state of Joy a lot of the old messages that blocked Joy would come to the surface.  Once these messages were at the surface they could be healed and released.  The feelings also held in the body that were associated with these beliefs/experiences also needed to be released so the body was free to fully embody the Joy.  Having a breathwork session or other emotional process work to move this energy through was essential.  Trying to move into Joy without releasing held in anger, fear, grief is like trying to get a hot air balloon loaded with rocks off of the ground—you just don’t get very far.  What one needs to be mindful of in doing emotional process work is not to get stuck in processing old feelings over and over again.  This can be an unconscious way to feel safe—exploring the feelings of the past rather than taking the loving actions to live fully in the present.  Pay attention.  I hear from a lot of people lately who do a lot of personal growth work—“I’m sick of attending another workshop, reading another book—I just want to live”.  This is their authentic self crying out to just be, express, love —to be in Joy.  So releasing the past being mindful if it is bringing you more fully into the present.
4. Support. Connection with others who have the same intention to bring more joy into their lives.  This is very powerful.  I have always been such a believer in the transformative power of groups.  Anytime I want to make a change in my life I look for a group of like minded people who can support my efforts.  Being a part of a supportive group can also meet our deepest needs for a sense of belonging and connection, as well as provide wonderful opportunities for laughter and play.  Unless you already have a group of joyful people around you—a joy group would do wonders for supporting you on your path of Joy.
5. Being in the Present Moment opens us up to Joy. There is so much Joy in each moment if we fully are present to it.  Having the mind in the past and future takes away from the Joy and peace of the present.
6. Following Dreams and Passions.What are your deepest dreams and passions?  Taking loving action to manifest these dreams can open you up to tremendous energy and joy.  A lot of the depression people experience is from the suppression of their authentic self who wants to just express itself fully in the world.  Many of our dreams are a way to express the gifts we are here to share.  What can be important is to pursue the dreams without concern for the outcome.  An example is someone who has a dream of singing.  If you are concerned about others giving you approval for how great of a singer you are, the creative process will be tense and not very joyful.  If your intention is just to express yourself fully and to enjoy yourself as you are singing your experience will be totally different.  The intention we have as we pursue our dreams can either make the experience a fun adventure or one fraught with tension and anxiety.
7. Lifestyle Changes. What changes do you need to make in your life to open you up to more Joy?  For many people slowing down and not being as busy is essential to opening up to Joy.  A common issue that I work with when clients start working with me is creating balance in their life.  Many are exhausted and the only time they have to themselves is the time during our sessions.  It is hard to be in a state of Joy if we are rushing around and feeling overwhelmed with day to day life.  Letting go of connections and activities that are draining in order to make space can be very helpful.  A good way to do this is to let your body decide.  Think of an activity that you have on your schedule next week—close your eyes and breathe—when you think of participating in the activity does the energy lift in your body and you feel good/excited or does your energy drop?  The body never lies.  Our mind may give all the reasons why we should do this or be with this person but our body will always tell the truth.  If it is an activity that you must be a part of you can ask your body (authentic self), “What can I do to make this experience more enjoyable for myself?”   Just breathe and listen to the response you get back.  Even if you love all of the activities in your life, too many can take away the joy of each activity.  We need time to savor activities and the people who are in our life.  Look to see if you are on overload and make the necessary changes.  Decluttering the space around you can free up time and space.  Again you can let your body decide when getting rid of things.  Does your energy lift and feel good when you look at the object you are trying to decide on.  Ideally everything that surrounds you should be uplifting and pleasing to you.  If an object is neutral or brings your energy down, let it go so someone who would truly value it.
8. Movement/Sound/Breath-Being fully in our body allows us to feel joy more completely. Do you know what the sensation of Joy feels like in your body?   For some it can be a fluttering sensation in their hearts or a lightness throughout their body. Some people have not felt joy in so long they forgot what it feels like.  Movement can bring us more fully in the body.  What ways do you move that bring you Joy? —dancing, biking, walking, yoga,running,skipping.  Many of my clients love to dance, feeling very joyful and alive as they move.  I give assignments to clients to have frequent dance sessions throughout the day—the more stressful the day the more dancing.  Dancing helps to move energy through the body.  Our bodies are meant to move and we tend to live lifestyles that are very movement restricted.  I joked with a client yesterday that wouldn’t it be nice if the clinic she worked for had noon hour dance sessions for the clients and the staff!!  What sounds bring you Joy?  Is it listening to birds or beautiful music?  Do you find joy in singing?  I find most people love to sing yet don’t allow themselves to express this very often.  Next time you are in the car just start belting out songs—songs that you know or just make them up.  Don’t deprive yourself of this joy any longer.  Children who are naturally in that state of Joy move and make sound all of the time—just notice this the next time you are around children.  Full connected breathing helps us to be more fully in our bodies.  How do you breathe throughout the day?  Some people notice that they hold their breath throughout the day.  When you hold your breath you are cutting off oxygen and energy to the body, decreasing your capacity to feel joy.  Breathing fully is opening up more fully to being alive—it is like saying a big YES to life.

You may have noticed some things from the list that resonate with you and can assist you in moving more into Joy.  There may be things you could do that weren’t listed.  Take a moment right now and just close your eyes and breathe into your body asking the question “What do I need to change for me to bring more joy into my life?” just let go and see what comes into your mind.  Next ask your body again “What could I do every day that would bring more joy into my day?” breathe and relax and let the answer float into your mind.  Now make a plan to implement this in your life possibly sharing this with a close friend or loved one.  You can find someone to be your joy buddy—someone to explore with and support you.  I have a friend who is also a psychotherapist turned joyologist who is my joy sister.  I have another friend who started a clown troupe years ago called “The Angels of Joy”.  Taking these loving actions to bring more joy into your life can be a fun and playful adventure.  I wish you all of the joy your heart desires.

One of the important teachers in my life was my 89 year old friend Reuben.  Spending time with him was like being in a school of the Spirit—really learning the true meaning of our journey here. One of the things that Reuben would always do is point out when he saw that someone had a “free spirit” —what he saw in this person was aliveness, vitality, warmth, openness, a twinkle in their eye—their energy open and accessible—you felt drawn to connect with them.

Can you think of people you know that you feel that their Spirit is free? They are open, they exude warmth and vitality, and they generally are laughing or smiling and are very relaxed, peaceful. Generally these people are memorable because unfortunately in our culture today there are few people who are experiencing this kind of freedom of the Spirit.  So many people are locked in fear and attempts to control themselves, others and the outcome of events.  One cannot feel this freedom of Spirit and be in a state of trying to control something at the same time.  So the first guideline in Freeing Your Spirit is:

1. Let Go of ControlIn this moment, are you attempting to control something—check in and see. If your body is feeling tense and your breathing is shallow you are probably trying to control something—you may not even be conscious of what you are trying to control but your body is giving you feedback that you indeed are trying to control.  When we are in a state of Freedom of the Spirit our bodies feel light and relaxed.  Are you worrying—than you are attempting to control by the worry—the belief is “If I worry enough about something I will be able to figure out a way to prevent something bad from happening.”

   As you may guess, Reuben was so in tune and aware of people who had a free spirit because he himself had a free spirit. I can’t recall anytime that I saw him worry about anything—even though he had health issues—things that we would normally “worry” about.  Anytime that I brought up a concern of mine about my own life he would say “Honey, let’s pray about it” and he would hold my hands and he would say a brief prayer and we would quickly get back to visiting and laughing together.   It was a true turning over the concern to the hands of the Divine—fully trusting that Spirit would handle the situation.  I have a quotation in my kitchen that I had gotten from Reuben who had this posted in his home “Good Morning this is God.  I will be handling all of your problems today.  I will not need your help.  So, relax.  Have a terrific day!”  How do you feel when you read this?  Does your body relax and you feel relief or are you like my electrician, Joe, who said when he read this “Yeah right, I’m just going to sit at home and not do anything and God will handle everything.”  Joe’s comment reflects an all or nothing attitude towards Spirit—either I need to do it all on my own or if I open to Divine assistance I can let go and not do anything.  Remember the phrase “Spirit helps those who help themselves”.  In the case of Reuben, he took very good care of himself physically and did all that he could to address his health issues—and than from that point he let go to Spirit his health concerns—he did not allow himself to indulge in worry, fear and control over the situation (which by the way would have negatively affected his health).  Whatever your concern, do what you can to address it and than let it go into the hands of Spirit. Trust that whatever the outcome it will be in your highest good.

   The other benefit of letting go is you give room for Spirit to work in your life. If you
   are trying to do it all on your own and micromanage every detail there is no room for
   Spirit to enter.  Notice if you tend to do this and consciously let go and back off from
   “overdoing” and see the magic of Spirit happen in your life.  You won’t experience this
   if you never let go.  Once you experience the support of Spirit it will be easier to let go the next time.  Let go and let the magic begin!

2. Move from thoughts of Fear to thoughts of Faith 

   Thoughts of faith and trust are true thoughts connected to your true nature—which is Spirit—you are a Spirit living in an earthly body.  Fear thoughts are generated by the ego/false self and have no basis in reality— they are generally thoughts of projected fears of the future or fears from false/limiting beliefs handed down from the family system. People often buy into these thoughts—begin to react to them and then think they are true.  So often we can terrify ourselves with these kinds of thoughts.  Choosing to be in faith and trust is a choice—it does not happen automatically.  Moment by moment ask yourself, is this thought one of faith or one of fear?  An example of a fear thought vs. a thought of faith—“I can’t achieve my dream, I don’t have what it takes” (fear thought) vs. “I can do anything I can dream of—the world is full of infinite possibilities.” (faith thought).Faith thoughts are light and expansive—and have that same effect on the body. Fear thoughts are heavy and constrictive—creating tension in the body.  So you can observe which kind of thoughts you are entertaining throughout the day—ones of fear or faith.  If you identify a fear thought just say to yourself “This is not true” and switch to a faith thought—like switching a channel.  The good thing about practicing this thought switching is that each time you switch from fear to faith– you are actually building neuropathways that support these positive thoughts—which make it easier to shift into these thoughts in the future.  The more you are able to NOT go into the fears and negative thoughts you help to extinguish the neuropathways that reinforce these thought patterns.  By not reinforcing them, their strength is lessened, making it easier to avert getting pulled into this fear and negativity in the future. (This idea was illustrated in the movie “What the Bleep!?”)  Keeping your focus on thoughts of faith and trust will free your Spirit and make it easier and easier to stay in that space in the future.

3. Move your Body, Free Your Spirit 

   Fear thoughts can be so entrenched, especially if those neuropathways are well established, that initially attempting to shift the thoughts to faith can be challenging.  So than it’s time to move your body—walk– or one of my favorites is dancing.  Anything to move the stuck energy through your body.  You see the negative thought patterns actually energetically clog your energy system and it is difficult to shift to the lighter, higher frequency thoughts with the lower, dense energy of the fear pulling your energy down.  When you feel “stuck” it is literally because your energy is stuck, clogged in your body from your negative thought patterns.  What can be helpful is to move this energy through so you can open up to the lighter, positive thoughts of faith.  Any kind of movement—walking, running, dancing and other forms of exercise will help this congested energy release.  Breathwork(deep diaphragmatic breathing), singing, chanting and laughing are also ways to move this energy through.  I work as a holistic psychotherapist and often I will have my clients dance before we begin the session to help this stuck energy move through so they can be  more open and receptive to the lighter, positive thoughts that bring healing and insight.   One great way to move the stuck energy through is to dance to your favorite uplifting music—this helps move the stuck energy through and because you love the music it automatically shifts you into a positive state.  I literally do this a few times a day to keep myself in a positive, high energy state.  One other benefit of moving your body is it gets you out of your head and more into your body.  Your Spirit is housed in your body and it is important to feel all of the sensations of your body—this allows you a deeper experience of your Spirit.

4. Practice being in a “Free Spirit” stateWe all have had experiences of feeling our true self, our Spirit fully expressing itself in the world—not holding anything back—the love in our hearts flowing out.  This sense of freedom, joy, lightness, and openness is our natural state of being, so if you are not feeling this very often than it is safe to say that you had a lid on your true self, your Spirit —it is being confined and held back.  It takes a lot of energy to suppress the enormous energy and vitality that is in your Spirit.  So often people put the lid on so long ago they forgot what it feels like to have the lid off—to be in full connection with their Spirit.  What can be helpful is to begin to practice being in this state again—it may feel foreign or uncomfortable but it will be the most important journey you will take—the journey back to your Spirit.  Spending time with people who have a Free Spirit can be contagious and supportive of you becoming more free.  I spent a lot of time with Reuben because he was so free and open—it was amazing to be with him—people were drawn to him—people were changed by spending time with him because of his Spirit being so fully expressed. He was my “Free Spirit” mentor.  People with Free Spirits love to laugh and play together—so find others to explore this with.  Go to environments where you can practice taking risks in being more open—a support group, Workshop or an Inner Bonding Intensive.  These are  environments where you can practice freeing and fully expressing your Spirit—surrounded and supported by other people on the same journey.  These are very fun and inspirational experiences—-and what I find is the more people practice and place themselves in these kinds of environments the easier it becomes until being a “Free Spirit” becomes your natural state—which it truly is!                        Copyright 2007

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection.” Buddha

“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” Marianne Williamson

You are Fabulous! Yes YOU are. How do you feel when you hear that? Do you respond, yes that is right, I am Fabulous. Or do you have a reaction that blocks you from taking this statement in fully. If you are like most people you may not be able to take this in whole heartedly for various reasons. One, it may interrupt your inner litany of you telling yourself all the ways that you are less than fabulous—all the ways that you are messing up in some way, falling short of yours or other people’s expectations. You may have trouble taking in “I am fabulous” because you fear if you do that other people will think your arrogant and self-centered.

We live in a culture that does not support healthy self-confidence and self-celebration. We tend to give people support and sympathy when they are beating themselves up and feeling down and out. We don’t have as much practice supporting people in healthy self-love. What would you do if the next time you saw a close friend they said “I’m feeling so wonderful about myself—I love my life—everything is going great for me!” Would you know how to react to them? Could you celebrate with them? The level to which you could support them in their self-celebration would be to the level that you are doing this on the inner level with yourself.

An example of this is the other day my best friend, who is writing a book, left a message on my answering machine stating “I have had such a great day working on my book, the book is really phenomenal!” This was a perfect example of self-honoring and celebration—she was really acknowledging her talent as a writer and the beautiful expression of her soul reflected in the book. Because she and I both do a lot of work on the inner level to see our own beauty and worth we can support this fully in each other. So my reaction to her message was excitement and celebrating in her success. If I wasn’t clear about my own inner worth and wonderfulness, I may have reacted with judgment of her “Who does she think she is” or self-judgment “I’m not talented and she is—she is better than me.” My reaction has more to do with my own level of self-love than it has to do with what she said on the message.

Why Self-Love is Important

1. Seeing your own beauty and light allows you to see others more clearly. The fear that people have when they first start working on self-love is that they confuse it with being self-centered and arrogant. The reality is that opening up to deeper levels of self-love and appreciation allows you to see the beauty and magnificence of others more clearly. We all have within us an essence, a radiant Spirit that is filled with love, joy, creativity, compassion and beauty. When you really get that and are able to see this within you—you are able to see it within everybody. You can see beneath people’s protections of fear, negativity and anger and see the truth of who they are—the light of who they are. This is a beautiful gift you give yourself and others and it can transform your whole life and all of your relationships.
2. Seeing your own Magnificence allows Good things into your Life- If you love and value yourself you will want good things for yourself and you will take action to bring these good things into your life. An example is if you are in a job that you don’t love—if you cared about yourself and your happiness you would take action to find a job or career that you really love. You wouldn’t allow yourself to be in an unloving situation in any area of your life. You would want happy, loving relationships for yourself, a job you were passionate about, a home that you loved and felt nurtured in, plenty of money to do all the things you want to do. All the things that you would want for a person you deeply loved, you would want these things for yourself too.
3. Seeing your own Fabulousness allows others to see that in you too-People tend to see us and treat us how we see and treat ourselves. There is two ways that this happens. One way is that if you really value yourself and treat yourself kindly other people will pick up on this energy and treat you well too. An example of this: Do you know people you would never say anything disrespectful to because they emanate a sense of self-confidence and self-respect—it is so clear you can feel it. The other way is if you value and are kind to yourself and someone is unloving to you—you would let them know that it is unacceptable to treat you that way. If they don’t respond and continue to be unloving – if you really love yourself you would choose not to be around this person again. It is as simple as that. Either way your inner self-love is setting the standard for how people will treat you.If you see the exquisite beauty and specialness of who you really are—people will automatically see that in you. You, in the state of celebrating you, opens the doorway for others to see you more clearly. There is so much beauty and radiance inside of each and every one of us—if we open our eyes to see it more clearly in ourselves and others, we would be astounded!
4. When you see your own Brilliance you become a role model for people to see their own Brilliance. So few people are able to see their own beauty that when you are able to love yourself, you are able to light the way for others to do this for themselves too. You are able to role model what this looks like. This is so important if you are a parent—if your children see you taking loving care of yourself and feeling healthy self-love, they will be able to do that for themselves too.Just like you can feel if someone is insecure, you can also feel if someone loves and appreciates themselves. We tend to feel comfortable and relaxed around people who feel good about themselves—and this feeling even rubs off us on us—we start to feel good about ourselves in their presence. Our own self-love has a positive ripple effect on others—by providing a role model for healthy self-love and also energetically opening a space for people to love themselves just by being in our presence.

Ways to Love Yourself More

1. Take responsibility for seeing your own worth and lovability- Do you realize that your worth and lovability is intact and unchanging? Nothing you can do can ever take away from it—it is your intrinsic worth and can never be diminished. There is nothing to be improved upon and enhanced—you already are brilliant and magnificent just as you are. The real you, your authentic self, is here to just express itself fully and completely. It is beautiful and breathtaking as is. There is nothing to learn, no further schooling, no special skill or special success needed for you to prove your intrinsic worth.In the psychospiritual process Inner Bonding, there is a distinction made between your essence, who you really are– and your protective parts, your wounded adult child. When you are in worry, judgment, fear, anxiety, depression, trying to control—these are all protective parts of you. If you are operating out of your protective self most of the time, you won’t feel the beauty of your essence and neither will those around you. What can happen is that if you operate out of these parts of you long enough you start to believe that this is really you—but it is not.It is like clouds covering up the light and brilliance of the sun. The sun is always there shining. The transient clouds can block your experience of seeing and experiencing the sun—but it doesn’t change the fact that the sun is always shining. It is important to start to remember that you are the brilliant Sun, not the grey clouds that feel so real. You, your essence is always shining and all you need to do is really get that this is a fact, it is unchanging and no one and no event can ever diminish this. Once you know that you really are your essence, this beautiful light—self-love is a natural consequence and you can relax and let this light shine!
2. Eliminate Self-Judgment and replace with Self-Supportiveness and Self-Appreciation- Your level of self-love will be dependent on the kind of internal dialogue you are having with yourself. We are all having inner conversations with ourselves throughout the day—these conversations are either loving and supportive or critical and unloving. If your self-esteem is low—chances are that your internal dialogue is critical and harsh—pointing out what you’re doing wrong, how you aren’t good enough in some way etc. One way to change this is to replace this negative dialogue with a loving supportive dialogue. The following are ways to shift to a more positive inner dialogue:
   • Think of statements that you want to hear throughout the day and write these on a 3X5 index card. They could be statements like “I love you just the way you are” “Just be you, you are wonderful” “I love you no matter what” “It’s OK to make mistakes, I will still love you” “Let go of what others think of you-I think you are amazing” Use these statements with yourself during the day.
   • Mirror back loving statements to yourself about who you are and how you handle things throughout the day. Examples of these statements are “I love the way you handled that situation” “You are so loving and kind” You are so creative!” “You are such a good listener” “You are brilliant” “You are sweet”. Mirroring back the positive will help you reverse the pattern of being critical with yourself for every little thing you do.
   • Talk back to the Critical Voice and bring in the Truth- If you catch yourself yourself being critical respond back with a loving voice. If you say to yourself “I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I just said that” you can respond back by saying “It’s OK, your not stupid, what you said was just fine, just relax and be yourself, let go what that person thinks of you, I love you no matter what.” Feel how supportive the loving statement is and how it eases the anxiety of the critical voice.
   • Before you go into various situations, think of what kind of positive dialogue you want to have with yourself during the situation. You can even practice this dialogue beforehand. Once you get into the situation you will be prepared with a loving, supportive dialogue. In this way the negative chatter that might get triggered for you doesn’t get a chance to even start because you have consciously chose a loving, positive inner dialogue. You are crowding out the air waves with the positive. Try this and see your self-worth soar and your comfort level with all kinds of situations increase.
   • Write 5 Appreciations about yourself each night in your journal. This can be ways you handled certain situations, how loving you were with others, your creativity, the special unique qualities that are YOU!
3. Start a “Celebration of Me” Journal- Get a beautiful journal that you can collect sweet notes and cards you receive from others. When the people around you have their hearts open and are sharing love with you—they are seeing the beauty of your essence. These loving cards and notes are reminders of who you really are and it can be helpful to have these in a lovely journal. You can even jot down loving comments people make to you and you can add these to your journal. You can also write loving notes and poems to your inner child, the part of you that reflects beautiful aspects of your essence. You can also put pictures or images that reflect the beauty of your essence in your journal.
4. Develop Self-Trust- Keep your promises to yourself like you would to anyone else in your life. If you promise yourself you are going to take some time off do something fun or complete a project that you have been putting off—then make sure you follow through and do it. When you let yourself down by not following through on a promise, you are eroding self-trust and self-love. When you keep your promises with yourself, you will feel more secure and strong within yourself—your essence will feel loved and valued.
5. Take Loving Actions on your own behalf- If you tell yourself you love and care about you but you treat yourself poorly—your self-esteem will stay low. You must take actions that reflect a deep love for yourself. If you were to show love to yourself, you would exercise if you needed to lose weight, you would get to sleep early if you needed more rest, if your life was chaotic you would create balance, if you needed more social connection you would plan some fun things with friends, if you needed to leave an unhealthy relationship, you would leave it. Taking these loving actions will lift your self-esteem and you will feel great about yourself. Try it. For one week put into action all of the things that you know would be loving for yourself. A lot of times this alone can create a major shift in increasing your self-love significantly.

You are Fabulous—it is a given—and it is up to you to see it for yourself. By doing this you will radically improve the quality of your life, your relationships and even pave the way for others to see their own Magnificence too!

Copyright 2007

“I Love My Body because it houses my beautiful Spirit.” Beth, 30

“I Love My Body because it is my temple, a work of art that I see as beautiful, and something I know no one else could ever duplicate.” Francesca, 18

Why do you Love Your Body? Do you love your body because like Beth stated above, it houses your magnificent soul? Do you love your body because it enables you to experience the richness of life with all of your senses?  Do you love your body because it allows you to create things, hug others and enjoy the pleasure of movement?  I’m not asking you IF you love your body but WHY you love your body.

I want to start the conversation about loving your body with the why, not the if—to get you to shift your thinking in that direction immediately. People, women in particular—perhaps you the reader –have spent far too many precious moments of life criticizing and trying to change your body rather than truly loving and accepting the gift of your body.

I recently gave a presentation on this topic titled “I Love My Body”. One reason I chose the name is that when people called to register they would say “I am calling to register for the I Love My Body presentation.” For the women who registered it was probably the first time in their life that the words “I Love My Body” have ever come out of their mouths!  There is so much healing needed around this topic that I wanted to help get it started as soon as possible with just saying those words “I Love My Body.”

The challenge that most women face around loving their body is the cultural conditioning around the ideal body for women. There was a popular ad for “The Body Shop”, the skin and hair care products company,   which stated “There are 3 billion women who don’t look like supermodels and only 8 who do.” This ad highlighted that what is promoted as the ideal, normal body for women is actually the normal body for only a very small percentage of women.  Yet, this image is continuously portrayed in advertising, on magazine covers and in the actresses we see in movies and on television.

It is a distortion of reality that ends up creating a situation where women feel inadequate and that there is something wrong with their body for not looking like this. It causes women to judge and try to change their body by dieting, plastic surgery and many other ways of trying to get their body to look like the ideal.  This cultural conditioning is hurtful and has a very toxic effect on women and girls.  It is toxic because instead celebrating and loving their unique shape they are judging it against the promoted ideal.

According to the Social Issues Research Centre “More than 80% of 4th graders have been on a fad diet.” It is sad to see the pressure that young girls feel to start to mold their bodies into the ideal, rather than using this energy to learn, explore and just be happy and content being themselves.

Because of the profound impact of this cultural conditioning it is important for women and girls to become conscious of this programming and to have the courage to step out of the dictates of these unrealistic body expectations.   So one of the first and most important guideline to truly Love Your Body is to take back the power to define your own beauty.

Tips to help you Love Your Body

1. Take the Power back to define your own Beauty- Not only taking it back for the cultural/media definitions but also from people around you in your life who have made judgmental remarks about your body. These people weren’t able to see the beauty of your body because they had absorbed the cultural definitions themselves—and were judging you and probably their own body against these standards as well. Take a moment now to close your eyes and imagine taking back the power to define the beauty of your own body. Take it back from the cultural definitions and the media—in your mind state “I will not allow you to define what my body should look like anymore.” Think back to people that have made negative comments to you about your body—a family member, a romantic partner or other kids when you were little.  Say to them in your mind “I take back the power to define the beauty of my own body—your comments were distortions and untrue—and I no longer give them any power.” Feel how good this feels to clear yourself of all of this negativity and distortion.
2. Clear Your Own Negative Beliefs about Your Body- Because of your exposure to the cultural conditioning about the supposed ideal female body—you probably have practiced self-judgment of your body for not conforming to the promoted “ideal.” These judgments and negative beliefs are again distortions and not based on the truth of the unique beauty of your own body.  We all have bodies of different sizes and shapes that are special and truly beautiful.  One of the most healing experiences for me related to body image was going sun bathing and swimming at a private lake with a group of women friends—naked.  I loved looking at the variety of shapes and sizes of all of these women and I thought to myself “We are all so beautiful.”  Because of the media just showing a very limited range of female bodies—I had never before seen all of the sizes and shapes of women’s bodies.  Each and every one of the women had such a unique, beautiful body.  We are truly missing out when the full range of what we really look like is not reflected in our media.

   Let go of your own rigid beliefs about how your body should look and begin to see how the very things that are different about your body are the very things that make you unique and beautiful. Write down the negative messages that you say to yourself about your body.  Imagine writing them down to release them from your consciousness. Get them all out—the most negative hurtful ones you can think of. Look at these messages—notice how you would never dream of saying these things to anyone else in your life. Look at all of these messages and apologize to your body saying “I’m so sorry that I said these hurtful things to you—I promise that I will not say these things to you again and I will start loving you instead.”  Look at these messages again and with an intention to fully release them—tear up the sheet of paper and throw it away.  Some people like to build a fire outside and burn the paper as a way of releasing this negativity.

3. Exercise for the Joy of Feeling Your Body Move- When you exercise to eliminate fat from your body and/or to compensate for calories eaten—this can come from a place of fear and have an energy of trying to control and fight against your body.  Imagine exercising for the joy of moving your body and from an intention to be loving to your body—a desire for it to be healthy and have more energy.  The clients I work with around this issue tend to be able to maintain an exercise program if they do it from a place of joy and self-love rather than control and fear about their weight.Notice if there are things in your life that you don’t do for fear of people seeing your body—like swimming, dancing or any other activity.  Remind yourself that you deserve to do the things you enjoy no matter what your shape.  Let go of what others think of you and stay focused on the fact that you have every right to do the things you enjoy.
4. Remind Yourself What the Purpose of Having a Body Is-Your body is yours to fully experience life, to take it in and enjoy it.  Your body is a vehicle for you to experience life with all of your senses.  Your body allows you: to feel a warm breeze on your skin, feel the cool water in a lake when you swim, see all of the vivid colors of a sunset, hear all of the beauty of music, to hear the sounds of birds and trees moving in the wind, feel the softness of someone’s hand, feel the joy of dancing, taste and enjoy delicious food, express yourself through a smile, tears or laughter. Your body is for you, not for others to critique or judge.  You are not here as a display for others, but as a fully embodied human being with deeper, richer qualities than just your appearance.
5. When You Look in The Mirror—Look at Yourself Through Loving Eyes-For many women looking in the mirror turns into an exercise of self-judgment. They zero in on all of their perceived flaws and what they feel is “wrong” with their body or face.  Again the criteria they are judging themselves against is this unrealistic ideal that is promoted in the media.  I have many clients who when they first started working with me said that they couldn’t look in the mirror because all they saw were these perceived flaws. I suggest that they shift this by instead looking at themselves in the mirror through loving eyes.  An example would be if you look in the mirror and see a wrinkle that you would ordinarily judge—look at this wrinkle with love and compassion—and even see the beauty of this wrinkle.  Set a clear intention to see yourself through the lens of love—interrupt the self judgement and move into being very loving with yourself. This will be something that you need to practice before it becomes a habit—but it will be well worth the effort because you will begin to feel really wonderful about yourself.
6. Have Your Self-Esteem be Internally ReferencedHave your self-esteem be based on your internal qualities rather than your external appearance.  What are the qualities that make you—you?  Is it your compassion, your unique creativity, your intelligence, your capacity to have fun, your wisdom, your perceptiveness, your capacity to listen to people or your loving heart.  Think of the people that you love in your life.  You love them for who they are—the unique Spirit that they are—not for what they look like.  That is how they feel about you—they love you for who you are and all of the special qualities that make up you.  Learn to value yourself for the substance of you—not for the physical form that you travel around in.
7. Explore the deeper reason for the preoccupation with your appearance/weight.Sometimes when someone is preoccupied with their appearance it may be an avoidance mechanism for deeper, more painful feelings.  Check in with yourself and see if this might be the case.  If in your childhood things were painful for you and out of control, you may have learned to focus on your weight as a way to avoid the loneliness and helplessness of what was happening around you.  Or maybe there is a painful issue in your life today that you don’t have the courage to face—like a challenging relationship or lack of purpose in your life.  A preoccupation with your appearance distracts you from facing these issues.  If this is the case for you, it is important for you to get support for yourself to open up to face these feelings directly.  You can get this support through taking the risk to reveal your feelings to a trusted friend or working with a counselor who can help you work through these feelings.
8. Eliminate Comparing Yourself to Others-The energy of comparison and competition is hurtful to yourself and the other person. Doing this is just another form of putting yourself down and will not help you to feel good but will make you feel even worse. Vow to not participate in this kind of energy.  Instead if you see someone who is attractive—instead of comparing yourself to this person or judging them—state instead—“She is attractive and so am I.”  Celebrate that other person and yourself too.  You will find this feels so much better than comparing yourself to them or being critical.
9. Take One of the Areas of Your Body You Typically Judge and Take a Week to Fully Love This Part of YouSpend 15 minutes a day looking at this part of your body and find things to love about it, better yet, do it throughout the day.  The more challenging it is to do this, the more you need to do it!  I read in a book about a woman who did this exercise and after a week of doing it a stranger came up to her and told her how beautiful this part of her body was!  When we transform our own way of seeing ourselves—it transforms the way others see us as well.  You want your first intention of doing this exercise to be the shift in your own self-love, not to have the effect on how others view you.  How you view you is always going to be what is most important.
10. Decide That You Are Beautiful and Practice Being BeautifulYou get to decide if you are beautiful or not. If like I stated above you have taken your power back to define your own self than why don’t you claim your own beauty!  Take a day and repeat to yourself “I am Beautiful”.  Do things that make you feel beautiful—wear something special—that you love and feel great in.  Walk like you are beautiful.  Look in the mirror and say “I am beautiful.” This may feel awkward at first but continue to do this until you really start to believe it. Celebrate who you are and your beautiful, unique body.  We need women who are seeing and celebrating their own beauty—it helps other women who are stuck in negativity about their body see that there is another more joyful path to take—the path of true self-love

Copyright 2007

Shelley Riutta MSE, LPC is a Psychotherapist in private practice specializing in helping people connect with their true, authentic selves.  She does transformational individual counseling, presentations, groups and Workshops.  For more information and her Free Workbook “What Do You REALLY Want: Finding Purpose and Passion in Your Life” www.RadiantLifeCounseling.com or contact her at 920-265-2627.

“Choose Your Life’s Mate carefully.  From this one decision will come ninety percent of all your happiness or misery” -H. Jackson Brown Jr.

“The only thing worse than being alone is being with the wrong person” Reuben Schmidt, 89 years old—happily married to Joyce Schmidt for 53 years.

Look around you.  Do you see couples that are wonderfully happy together?  Happy and joyful couples bless everyone they come in contact with. They uplift those they are around by their loving connection.  On the other hand you know what it feels like to be around couples who are unhappy and in conflict.  It is difficult to be around them and they pull the energy down around them.  The planet needs healthy, vibrant, loving couples.  These couples positively affect their families, the community they live in and the world at large.  There is a shift happening in that people are becoming more conscious about themselves and the kind of partner they are looking for.  Rather than making decisions based on superficial qualities—he’s attractive, she makes good money—people are starting to look deeper as to what they want in a partnership.  As a psychotherapist I work with many people individually as well as with couples who are struggling within their relationship because of basic incompatibility—they should not have been together to begin with.  I hear from people that they knew on their wedding day that they were making a mistake and years later they are struggling to make something work that was unworkable from the start.  It takes courage to look at a relationship with clear honesty and say—“This is not going to be a good match for me in the long run”.  It is best to make this decision early on because the consequences of waiting get greater and greater—if you get married there is the pain of divorce and if there are kids involved there is even more pain.  Or if you are in a long term relationship—the pain of separation is high after having your lives so intertwined.

One of the methods I have discovered to raise one’s consciousness in the process of looking for a partner is the Life Partner Quest process. It involves working with a Life Partner Quest coach in two phases.  Phase one is the Readiness Phase, during this phase the coach assists the client in addressing the following areas:

• Readiness-is the client ready to meet their life partner?  Clients take the Readiness
• Review to give feedback on their level of readiness.  Are all of the areas of their life working for them? Have they addressed the emotional issues from past relationships?
• Relationship History-exploring past patterns in relationships and using what was learned to clarify what needs to change to change the patterns.
• Identification of goals and needs.
• Clarify Vision for one’s ideal life, Identify requirements for a life partner.
• Develop profile of Life Partner.
• Develop “Relationship Plan” to manifest/attract Life Partner.

Phase two is the Attraction Phase.  In this phase the client is either working individually with a coach or in a group of other people who have completed the Readiness Phase.  The following areas are addressed in the Attraction Phase:

• Where and how to meet potential life partners
• Becoming ready for a committed relationship
• Effectively meeting people, developing networks, sorting.
• Staying on track with your Relationship Plan

There seems to be a certain kind of magic that happens when a person works with another person towards a goal that is dear to their heart. Working with a coach or an attraction group that knows the clients desires can help support them to persevere when alone they would give up.  The other benefit of working with a Relationship coach is that it helps to hold the client accountable to their standards and what they really want.  When the client starts to date an attractive person who lacks one of their most important requirements the coach can support them to stay on track.  The coach can also point out to the client their blind spots, where they might be getting in their own way of reaching their dreams.

The conventional way of dating is a hit or miss process. You meet someone you are attracted to and begin to date them.  Through the process of dating you become emotionally bonded with this person.  Over time you may start to have conflicts because there is not enough compatibility or there are drastic differences in values and goals.  Instead of recognizing this and parting ways you stay and try to make it work because by this time there is an emotional bond—separating is painful.  Or there may be fears like” I’ll never meet anyone else—I will end up alone.”  So you stay out of fear, not love.  Having clarity prior to starting to date and then keeping awake and aware when you first meet someone to make sure they meet your requirements before you continue in the relationship can save a lot of time and heart ache.

The following are the Eleven Principles of Conscious Dating:

1. Know who you are.  Like an iceberg, we are typically aware only of the tip, while our success and happiness depend upon what lies below the surface.
2. Know what you want.  Clarify what is most important to you in your life and in a life partner.  The more conscious and aware you are the better will be your choices.
3. Learn how to get what you want.  Assess the information, tools, and skills you will need and acquire them.  Develop creative strategies and action plans. “When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”
4. Be the “Chooser.” Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes.  Don’t react to what, or who chooses you.  Seek to create what you want in your life.
5. Balance your heart with your head.  Make your relationship choices consciously.  It’s still exciting!
6. Be ready and available for commitment.  Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.
7. Use the “Law of Attraction.” Be the partner that you are seeking.  Attract the partner that you want by developing yourself and living the life that you want.
8. Create a support community.  Develop a rich and supportive network of loving connections with family and friends.  Don’t expect a partner to meet all of your social and emotional needs.
9. Gain relationship knowledge and skills.  Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family and friends.  Take more emotional risks.  Take relationship classes and workshops.
10. Practice assertiveness. Increase your personal power by being authentic, assertive, exercising boundaries, saying “no” to what you don’t want and taking responsibility for getting what you do want.
11. Live your Vision while you are single.  Don’t put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen.  Live your life vision and purpose while you are single.  The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want.

Is it your heart’s desire to meet your life partner? If so do whatever you can to become as conscious and aware as you can—your commitment to stay aware and not settle for anything less than the “Love of your Life” can be an inspiration to others.  We need more people with this kind of commitment to develop incredibly joyful and loving connections.

These kind of connections add to the positive and uplifting energy the planet so needs.

“Is that what you really want, or did nobody ask you?  Is that what you really think or did nobody care?  Is that who are you really are or did nobody notice?  Is that what you really want or did nobody dare?  Are these your most precious dreams, or did you leave them behind you, when you were a young one just to get through?” Lyrics from “Is That What You Really Want?” by Libby Roderick

What are your deepest, most precious dreams? Are they so buried that you have forgotten what they are?   Or do they see the light of day but get buried again?  Do you begin to pursue your dreams but negative thinking stalls the movement or you get sidetracked by other things?

We all have important dreams and when we pursue these dreams we are filled with passion and excitement. When we lose track of these dreams and follow the well trodden path of “what you are supposed to do” there is a deadening of our spirits.  When I travel I like to be the last one on the airplane so I can see everyone when I walk on the plane.  What I notice when I look at all of the faces as I’m walking through is that there is a lackluster, autopilot, flat energy that three-quarters of the people on the plane usually have—what I look for are the alive, passionate ones—they are like light bulbs beaming up from their seats—when I see them I breathe a sigh of relief and gratitude.  “Yes,” I think to myself, “There is hope”.  I think that because our individual energy affects the collective energy.  Those “light bulb” people add positive, uplifting energy to the collective energy on the airplane.  The more “light bulb” people on the planet, the higher the positive vibration of the collective energy.  If I would sit down and interview the light bulb people on the plane they would be the ones pursuing or living their deepest dreams and passions.  Is your light and passion hiding deep within you—or are you letting it shine and be free?

I work as a psychotherapist and I see my role as supporting my client’s light and passion to shine. I utilize breathwork and a psychospiritual process called Inner Bonding. In Inner Bonding we talk about the core essence—which is that bright shining light that you came into the world to be—it is your special creativity, your gifts, your unique intelligence, your caring, lovingness and compassion.  If your parents were not connected to their own unique essence and living from their essence, they could not see or support this in you.  They couldn’t see you clearly because they weren’t able to see themselves clearly.  In response to this most people develop what Inner Bonding refers to as wounded adult child parts to handle the environment with their disconnected parents.  The core essence than goes in hiding because of lack of support and the wounded adult child parts take over.

The wounded adult child parts absorb the fears and false beliefs that the parents have. Some of the false beliefs are: 1. I’m unworthy just as I am—I have to be perfect to be loved  2. My worth is dependent on my performance—if I perform well I’m O.K. if I don’t I’m not O.K. 3.  I have to be what others want me to be to get love  4.  If other people are unhappy or upset it’s my fault and I have to do something to make them feel better.  As you can see these false beliefs lead one to be very outwardly focused—defining one’s worth through what other people think. When our focus is more on what OTHERS think we lose connection with what WE really think and who we really are (which is our core essence). This covering over of one’s core essence is exactly related to the disconnection with one’s dreams and passions. Our core essence contains our true dreams and passions—our special purpose for being on the planet. The process of Inner Bonding involves developing an Inner Loving Adult who can heal the false beliefs of the wounded adult-child and allow the true self, the core essence to come forward.

An Inner Loving Adult is essential in being able to fully allow the core essence to be expressed. Most people don’t have a loving adult operating within themselves on a consistent basis; they are mostly operating out of wounded adult aspects of themselves.

That is what is happening with the three-quarters of the people on the airplane with the flat energy—there is no loving adult taking action on the passions of the core essence—they are only operating from the fears of the wounded adult child.  The light-bulbs—the alive and passionate people– on the other hand are able to be the loving adult and tune into the voice of their core essence –and take action.

An example: Let’s say you knew your core essence wanted to dance to express itself creatively—if the wounded adult child was in charge the inner dialogue would sound like this:  “You can’t dance—You know how uncoordinated you are—You will make a fool out of yourself—What will people think!”  If there was an Inner Loving Adult the dialogue would sound like this: “I will fully support you to dance because I know how much you want to do this—Let’s just go and express ourselves and have fun—it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks—I will be there to talk lovingly to you as you try new things-it’s O.K. to make mistakes, that’s part of learning!”  As you read the different dialogues can you feel the difference in your body?  The first dialogue is harsh and critical and stops any creative energy—whereas the second dialogue is loving and accepting—supporting this creative energy to be expressed.  You can see if the wounded adult child is in charge that many of the dreams and passions are not going to get very far with this kind of critical inner dialogue.

I suggest to people that their job as the Loving Adult is to really tune into their core essence—tune into what they really want in this deepest part of them—and than to not lose sight of this—this is their deepest truth.  Their job is to take action on these deepest dreams and desires.  What is important is that you pursue these dreams not that you succeed at them.  What do you mean—you ask?  The wounded adult child self is concerned with outcome, performance, success/failure—because these are the ways to seek validation of the self.  The Loving Adult supports pursuing a dream as a way to express the self –for the joy of expressing—not for a particular outcome. The Loving Adult sees the beauty of the core essence and does not need others to see or validate it.

An example:  When I was a child I loved to play out scenes from movies with my friends. I would be the director and have them act out different scenes that I was seeing in my mind.  I loved this and it felt very natural for me.  It was my core essence expressing itself through the creation of movie scenes.  My loving action as a loving adult is to pursue this passion in some form to continue this expression that I was so connected to as a child.  If my wounded self gets focused on outcomes it may say something like, “Do you know how hard it is to make films and to get into this field—What are you thinking?”  But if I pursue this from my loving adult the outcome is irrelevant—it is the joy of doing what I once loved again that is important.

The Loving Adult stays focused on the dreams of the core self and does get sidetracked by the fears and false beliefs of the wounded adult child. Another example:  I have a client who is very clear that her essence would love to move to a warm climate.   She was taking steps to move towards this dream last winter (being a loving adult) but when spring/summer came along she began to enjoy the warm weather and stopped her planning for her move.  When I saw her in early fall she said, “I don’t think we are going to move. We are going to buy a house and do some other things I’m excited about.”  When we discussed what was happening it became clear that her wounded adult child was very fearful about moving and taking the risk of following her dream—so it came up with another plan which is what I call a “pacifier plan”.  A “pacifier plan” is substituting something good, but safe, in place of the real dream, the real deal.  She was able to see this and attend to the fears of the wounded self directly and make plans to reassure/calm her fears so she can stay on track with following her true dream, which is to move to a warm climate.

What are the dreams of your core essence, your true self? Make a list of your dreams and passions.  It could be dreams you had as a child or dreams you have as an adult.  If you could live your life in any way you would like, how would you be living it?  Would you be living somewhere different?  Would you be working part-time or in a different job altogether?   Take time to unearth your deepest dreams.  One of the biggest obstacles to uncovering dreams is being too busy.  We need time to reflect and allow the true core essence to emerge.  A friend of mine who worked 60-70 hours a week since graduating from college 18 years ago made a conscious decision to take a significant pay cut to work the standard 40 hours.  After 6 months of being on his lighter schedule he said to me “I feel like I’m coming alive again—the last 18 years is a blur.”  Family members and friends started to notice his old self re-emerging.  It had been so long they had forgotten the playful, lighthearted guy they used to know.  Ask your friends what your dreams are.  Sound strange?   What I have noticed is sometimes people’s core essence will come out and reveal their true dream to a friend or family member and then it goes underground and the person forgets they even said it!  In this moment ask yourself what you really want.  Close your eyes and tune into your body and see what pops into your head.  This may be your first step to opening up to more of your aliveness and passion.  We need more alive, passionate shining Light Bulbs.  Won’t you let your light shine!

In my research of people who have had near death experiences–(people who have been clinically dead and then are revived–and then share their experience of dying)–a common experience is that they are asked, “How well did you love?”

That phrase has stuck with me and helps to clarify what I believe our true journey is about while we are here–and that is to expand our capacity to love ourselves and others. It is so easy to get sidetracked in our lives–placing so much importance on things that are really not important at all.

So the question for you today is “How well are you loving? Both yourself and other people?

Here are some Tips to Love Even More

1. Make loving a priority above all else. Is it important to clean your house or to spend some time with your kids or loved ones—and just love them? Make Love the priority during your day and it will make your heart happy–as well as those around you too.

2. Before you make a comment back to someone--ask yourself–is this the most loving thing that I could say right now. So often we may have a habit of saying something critical–or if someone is critical with us–we will want to be critical back. Instead chose love over anything else.

3. While you are with those you love feel the love in your heart for them. Look at them and just allow yourself to feel the love. Then let this love come out in your words “I just love you so much” “I am so grateful for you in my life.” “Thank you so much for doing that for me” “You are so thoughtful–thank you” “You are such a blessing to me” “You are beautiful” “You are amazing”

4. What is your intention when you are with those you love? Is it to control them—to get them to do things your way–to see things your way–live their life the way you think they should live it—-OR is it to just unconditionally love them? People resist anyone trying to control them and open up to those who are truly loving them. Get clear about your intention—and see if you can chose the intention to love rather than control.

5. Are you saying loving things to yourself throughout the day or judging harsh things? It will be easier to be loving with others if you are creating a very loving environment inside of you. Practice loving yourself unconditionally—even if you make mistakes.

6. Take Risks to Love. So many people shut down their hearts to love because of earlier pain they have experienced. Oftentimes they don’t even know it is closed–they just feel lonely in their life. If this is the case for you–you may have people around you but your heart isn’t fully open to them. It can feel scary to open up your heart again. Experiment with opening your heart with people that feel safe for you. Express your appreciation for them, give them an extra hug, feel the love in your heart you have for them–even if this may feel uncomfortable to you at first. The more you practice the more comfortable you will be at expressing your love.

When you set this intention to make love a priority in your life and practice opening your heart to others and yourself even more—by the end of your life if you are asked “How well did you Love?” You can smile and respond “I Loved with my whole Heart!”

Shelley Riutta MSE, LPC is a Holistic Psychotherapist in private practice specializing in Transformational individual counseling, presentations, groups and Workshops. For more information and to get her free workbook “What Do You Really Want: Finding Purpose and Passion in Your Life” visit her web-site www.RadiantLifeCounseling.com or call her at 920-265-2627.

“Unless each day can be looked back upon by an individual as one in which she has had some fun, some joy, some real satisfaction, that day is a loss.” Anonymous

“Fun is Good.” Dr. Seuss

Are you having enough fun in your life? Belly laughs that make your stomach hurt, laughing so hard that you are crying (one of my favorites), that light open feeling in your body of pure fun.  You will probably know the answer to this quickly and if you are like many people today, the answer will be NO.

Traveling in Bali—Balinese Culture compared to the United States

When I was traveling in Bali, one of the things that I learned that really stuck with me was that when the Balinese have a spiritual ceremony they will not begin the ceremony until they feel the presence of the God’s and Goddesses they have invited.  One of the things that they believe draws these spiritual presences near is celebration and fun.  So if they are not feeling the energy of the God’s and Goddesses, they know they are not having enough fun, so they need to step it up a notch and celebrate even more, open their hearts even more to raise the vibration to a higher level.   They know when they are on track when they feel the energy shift with the presence of the Gods.

Now imagine in our culture if spiritual traditions would not begin unless everyone felt this shift happen. The Pastor or Priest saying to the crowd  “I’m sorry folks but we can’t begin until you are having more fun out there—come on—have some fun.” Could you imagine the look of bewilderment on people’s faces getting this kind of instruction “What do they mean fun—right now?!”  Yes, this would be shocking for a lot of people
in our culture.  We aren’t used to celebrating and having fun together—this is not something that comes easily and naturally for most people.

Our Innate Capacity to Have Fun

The capacity to have fun is something that we are born with, it is innate. Just looking at small children and you will see the natural capacity to play and have fun.  What happens to this as we get older?  Some people are able to retain this ability to have fun, play with others and laugh easily.

For many people this capacity gets lost with increased responsibilities of a job, having children, caring for elderly parents —feeling overwhelmed with the stress of everyday living. There can be an attitude that the fun will happen when the work is done—but you know the work is never really done.

Fun tends to get put on the back burner—and for many people it is on the back burner for so long they forget even how to have it or what it is like.  I have clients who say to me “I don’t even know how to have fun, I don’t even know where to start.”

This article will give you ideas on how to start having more fun, but first I want to share with you some compelling reasons why Fun needs to be a priority in YOUR life.

WHY FUN IS GOOD FOR YOU

1. Having Fun is your Natural State

   We were born to have fun. Look at little babies they are giggling and laughing—they are little fun machines—having fun is like breathing for them.  This is who we are deep inside—we are little fun machines—wanting to have fun and play.  That is why it feels so good to be around babies and children—they remind us of who we really are and we connect with that energy just by being around them.

2. Having Fun Helps Your Life Work Better

   When we are more aligned with our natural state our lives work better, we are more in the flow. When our bodies are tense with being serious, worrying, being so busy– life becomes hard and a struggle—we are out of alignment with our natural state.  When we are relaxed, having fun—things flow easier—solutions to what we need to do in our life come easier to us in this state.  When we are in alignment with our natural state are bodies can be healthier and stronger.  Just like a car out of alignment doesn’t function optimally—we too function better when we are in alignment with our natural state—how we are designed to function.  We are designed to function with having a lot of fun and ease in our life.

3. Having Fun Gives You More Energy

   Having fun feeds your Spirit. Using the car analogy again-just like a car needs certain things to give it energy to
   operate.  We need basic things for our body to function- like air, food, water and shelter. But we are much more than our bodies, we are Spirits housed in our bodies.  We also need fuel for our Spirits to thrive and feel uplifted.  You know what it is like to feel like your Spirit is sagging—life becomes dull and lifeless and you think—“what is the point?”  That is when you know you need to feed your Spirit.

   What feeds our Spirit is the intangible but crucial aspects of living—love, fun, pleasure, intimacy with others, and connection to Spirit. I have health conscious clients who are doing wonderful things to support their physical bodies, yet they are still feeling sick or have low energy.  That is because they are not attending to the feeding of their Spirit.  By starting to feed their Spirit with having fun they are amazed at how much energy this brings.

4. Having Fun Attracts Good Things to You

   Years ago I was out to dinner with some good friends and we were having so much fun that other people in the restaurant would come up and talk with us. One woman came up and said that she couldn’t keep her eyes off of us, we were having so much fun that she wanted to join us.  Everybody likes to have fun and when we are having a lot of fun—we are a like a magnet to others—they want to be around us and have fun too.  We are like the Balinese Gods and Goddesses—wanting to come near when there is fun and celebration.

   Fun attracts in another way as well.  Fun is a higher frequency. To explainwhat this means—think of a time when you walked into a room where people were getting along and having a lot of fun—didn’t the energy of the room feel “lighter” Now think of a time when you walked into a room where people were arguing and there was anger—didn’t the energy feel “heavy” and dense. This is an example of the difference in energy frequencies that we can be in.Like frequencies tend to gravitate towards each other—light energy tends to draw light energy—dense energy tends to draw other dense energy.  So when we are having more fun, our energy is lighter and will tend to attract other light  energy things—whether it’s other people who are having fun, or experiences that are more positive and “light.”

5. Having Fun has a Positive Ripple Effect on Those Around You

   Think about what it is like to be in a room with someone who is really happy and having fun—this energy is contagious and pretty soon you start to feel good too.

One of the most dramatic examples I have of this is a few years ago I was at the Boston airport catching a flight back to Wisconsin. When I walked into the airport I could feel the energy of tension and stress—-I soon discovered that many of the flights had been cancelled because of the weather.  Because of my interest in positive emotional states, I decided to do a research experiment.

My experiment was to see what would happen if I would maintain a real happy, joyful emotional state in the midst of all of this stress and tension. I walked through the airport smiling at people—maintaining my state of joy and
relaxation.  When I went through security I was picked to go through the more
in depth search line.  The people in this line were even more frustrated and upset.

I continued to maintain my positive state and started to joke around with the man ahead of me. Within 10 minutes the entire line was joking and laughing.  Some really funny things started to happen too.  One young man had to take his belt off his jeans that were so baggy that as soon as he took his belt off his jeans dropped exposing his boxer shorts.  We all started laughing and he joined in at how funny this was.

What I believe is that we are easily influenced by the emotional states of those around us. Like my example above—holding a positive state of having fun and lightness can easily shift those around you into a lighter state as well.  And isn’t this the kind of effect you want to have on those around you!

HOW TO HAVE MORE FUN

1. Make a List of What You Love to Do for Fun

   Even if your list is short,still write it down. It is like priming the pump to write these things down.  Then what happens is your inner fun machine will start to come up with even more ideas.  Give yourself permission to write down anything, even if it seems silly to you.  Then begin to integrate these fun things into your day and see what happens.

2. Make Fun a Priority in Your Life

   Begin your day with an intention to have a lot of fun. People who have a lot of fun in their life—have made
   fun a priority and routinely do things that create fun throughout their days.
   It could be turning a boring meeting into one that is fun and productive.  I have done this with meetings I have attended.  One meeting where we were going to be working on a difficult situation—I suggested we start the meeting with telling jokes and goofing around.  Everyone was game to do this and we had a lot of fun for about 10 minutes then we shifted into the issue we were trying to resolve.  Much to everyone’s surprise we resolved the issue quickly and easily because we were in a more relaxed creative state because of the fun we had at the start of the meeting.

   If you make fun a priority in your life you will be more productive with your time. One way to understand this is using the analogy of having a child inside of you.  If you just work all of the time—the child inside of you begins to get frustrated because of the lack of fun—and begins to rebel.  This rebellion shows up in your life as procrastination, low energy, lack of focus—it is like a drag on your energy.  It is like the child says—“If you don’t listen to me, I’m not going to cooperate with the things your trying to get done.” Integrating fun into your days satisfies this child inside of you and then it cooperates with the other things you want to get done. Even though you are taking time to have fun—you actually don’t lose any time because the time you do work is very productive.  I have seen this work over and over again with clients—the more fun they have, the more they get done.  Try it and see for yourself!

3. Let Go of False Beliefs  About Fun

   What kind of beliefs do you have about about having fun?  List these beliefs on a piece of paper. They could be “It’s irresponsible to have too much fun.”  “Fun is just for kids, not for adults.” “I’ll look stupid if I’m having fun” “I don’t have enough time to have fun.” “Having fun is a waste of time, it’s frivolous.”  Examine these messages and decide if you want to continue to hold these beliefs. These false beliefs can be holding you back from a world of fun.  Write
   new messages about fun that you want to embrace-i.e. “Having fun helps me to be more creative and productive in my whole life.”  “Fun feels good and I deserve to feel good.” “Fun brings me closer to those around me.” “Fun leads to great things happening in my life.” Embracing these new beliefs will open the doorway for more Fun in your life.

4. Be a Fun Initiator in Your Life

   Think of ways that you can bring more fun to yourself and others throughout the day. When you are in conversation with people use humor and lightness to create fun rather than letting the conversation slip into negativity.  Many people are in the habit of connecting with one another through discussing problems and gossiping.  Just notice if you are in this habit by monitoring what you tend to focus on in your conversations with others. See if you can allow yourself to connect with others with fun and joy.  When others ask you how you are doing say “I am having so much fun in my life, I am so happy!”

   Think of fun activities that you can do with your friends and family—have a theme party that has a silly theme or designate a day to celebrate something fun. I heard from some friends that there was a day a few months ago that was “Talk like a Pirate Day” and they were having fun planning a party on that day.  Be willing to take risks and try new things.

   Re-connect with that fun-machine inside of you that is just waiting to have more fun than you have been having. Click into what you knew innately as a baby and a child—that having fun is a big part of what we are here for. So don’t waste another minute and —-go have some fun!