May 13th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
It is a challenge for most people to really love their body. We get so many cultural messages that promote a body ideal that is unrealistic for most people. It is like we all walk around with this toxic conditioning about the ideal body that we need to contend with if we are really going to move into self -love. One of the key things is to become aware that it is conditioning and NOT the truth. When you are judging your body against the ideal you are judging yourself against an unrealistic image.
Instead of judging your body for being different than the ideal—begin to appreciate your body for how it is unique and different—and this uniqueness makes up the specialness of YOU. Practice looking in the mirror at the part of your body you have been the hardest on and start to see the beauty of this part of you. It will take time and a focus on releasing your comparisons of this part of you to the supposed ideal. By practicing this you can move into a space of loving every part of your body and celebrating your unique and beautiful body.
It is your body. Claim it’s beauty!
April 28th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
To be truly loving with yourself you need to be able to set loving boundaries with others. A boundary is NOT telling someone what to do but letting someone know what you will be doing in the face of what they are doing.
An example would be if a friend of yours is constantly late for your meetings, you may set a boundary that sounds like this “Karen, if you are late I am willing to wait 10 minutes for you to arrive–if it is longer than that I will be leaving and we will have to arrange another time to meet.” Notice how this statement is neutral and non-blaming--you aren’t telling her she is bad and wrong for being late–you are just letting her know what you are choosing to do in the face of her behavior. The focus in on taking care of yourself-–what you do have control over—rather than trying to get your friend to not be late–which is controlling.
So think of your relationships and instead of trying to get people in your life to change and do things how you would like them to —put the focus on you and what you can do to take care of yourself in the face of what they are doing. The more you keep your eyes on you and taking loving care of yourself the better you will feel about yourself and the less controlling you will be of others.
Keep your eyes on you. What are the loving actions you need to do to take care of yourself in the face of someone’s behavior?
April 25th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
It is easy to be grateful for all of the wonderful blessings in our lives. What about the challenges and difficult times? It is harder to move into a feeling of gratitude when things are hard. How can I be grateful for this situation that is causing me pain or confusion? I was on a coaching call the other night and one of my friends that was on the call said that he had a situation that blew up in his face—and this was from something he had initiated with good intentions. I was surprised to hear him talk in a cheerful voice about how grateful he was for the situation because he was able to see a pattern that has happened over and over for him—and he was able to see his part in creating this.
Trusting that every situation has something good in it for you–despite appearances– is something that can be cultivated. I work with this concept a lot with clients. Today I had a client who talked of sending a thank you note to her ex-boyfriend—who she was in one of the most challenging relationships of her life. The relationship was a huge catalyst for making a breakthrough for her in self-love and standing up for herself. The important thing is that while she was in the relationship she shifted from a victim stance of “you are doing these hurtful things to me” to a more empowered stance of what do I need to do to take care of myself in this situation–what is loving for me. She used the situation for her own growth and expansion—rather than falling victim to it and repeating an old hurtful pattern.
Think of a challenging situation that you are facing now. How can you shift your stance from a victim (you are doing this to me) to a more empowered stance (how can I use this as a vehicle for my own growth and expansion).
April 18th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
“Put yourself in good hands–your own” ~Author Unknown
Recently I was listening to an interview with a mentor of mine and she was asked “If you could have done something differently in the early part of your career what would you have done?” Her reply was “I would have believed in myself from the very beginning–even before I was showing outer success.” Her answer really stuck with me.
One of the main things that I focus on in my work with clients is helping them develop an inner relationship that is supportive and loving. This I have found is the foundation and key to transforming virtually all of the struggles people have. It is not outer blocks stopping them—it is their own inner blocks that are created from a very unsupportive inner relationship with themselves.
A main part of this inner relationship is unwavering belief in
oneself.
How about for you–are you willing right now—in this very moment–to make a decision to believe in yourself? Can you believe in yourself even when you:
1. Make mistakes
2. Aren’t perfect
3. Don’t have it all figured out
3. Are confused
4. Other people are judging you
5. Someone says you can’t do it
6. You don’t have outer support or validation
7. You are a beginner
8. You aren’t an expert
9. Aren’t clear about what all your gifts are
10. You have failed in the past
Can you make a decision right now to embrace whole hearted,
unwavering belief in yourself—no matter what is happening?
Belief in yourself is a decision that you make—not something that gets determined outside of yourself.
If you make your belief in yourself dependent on outer events (i.e. others belief in you, success according to outer events etc.)—then this belief in yourself is going to fluctuate depending on those external events, people etc.
If you make the inner decision to support and believe in
yourself–no matter what–you will always be on solid ground within yourself. And that kind of inner support will only lead to an
amazing, joyful life filled with success–inner and outer that is
beyond your imagination!
April 7th, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
Carol was in her 40′s and struggled with her weight since she was a child. She binged on sweets and couldn’t seem to control herself. She called me for some phone sessions to address this issue. In the first session it became clear what the inner dynamic was that was fueling her desire for the sweets.
Carol was very hard on herself and put pressure on herself to be perfect all of the time. She felt if she was perfect she would then be loveable and acceptable to the people around her. This was a reflection of the way her Mom treated her. When she was young her Mom didn’t see her clearly-and put pressure on her to be perfect–the message was “If you are perfect, then I will love you and accept you.” Because of the pain of not being loved unconditionally for who she really was and the pressure from her Mom to be perfect- she began to use sweets as a child to comfort herself.
This pattern continued into adulthood and was confusing for Carol because her Mom was no longer in her life and she was surrounded by people who truly did love her unconditionally. Carol was able to realize that she had a conditioned part of her that was just like her Mom-putting pressure on her to be perfect and not seeing her own intrinsic worth and loveability just as she was. This pressure was creating a lot of anxiety within her and to cope with it she overate the sweets to comfort herself.
Once she recognized this she was able to shift into being more loving and supportive with herself-much like she was able to be with her own children. She gave herself messages like “It’s OK to be you, you are loveable just the way you are.” “It’s OK not to be perfect-just relax and be yourself-you are enough just as you are.” As she gave herself these new messages she felt herself relax for the first time in years and stopped having the intense craving for sweets. She was able to understand this and heal this long-standing issue in only two sessions!
What I love about looking at the inner dialogue is that it helps to gain insight and clarity into the inner dynamic that is fueling our feelings and behavior. This clarity is about 70% of the healing. This morning as I worked with a client and we developed clarity about a long-standing pattern of hers–the feeling or incredible relief in the room was palpable. Now with awareness of the inner dynamic she had a clear path for healing and shifting the dynamic that was causing her so much pain.
Notice a long standing patterns of yours. What do you think you are saying to yourself on the inner level that is fueling this pattern–can you track the sequence of it. Example: I say this to myself–my reaction is this (ex. anxiety)-to deal with this reaction I then do this.
We are talking to ourselves all of the time–having inner dialogues that are either loving and supportive–or critical and hurtful. This type of inner reflection helps to bring these dialogues to conscious awareness so that you can make decisions to shift these dialogues to being more supportive to you.
February 2nd, 2011, by Shelley Riutta
“I Love My Body because it houses my beautiful Spirit.”
Beth, 30
“I Love My Body because it is a work of art that I see as beautiful, and something I know no one else could ever duplicate.”
Francesca, 18
Why do you Love Your Body? Do you love your body because like Beth stated above, it houses your magnificent soul? Do you love your body because it enables you to experience the richness of life with all of your senses? Do you love your body because it allows you to create things, hug others and enjoy the pleasure of movement?
I’m not asking you IF you love your body but WHY you love your body. I want to start the conversation about loving your body with the why, not the if—to get you to shift your thinking in that direction immediately. People, women in particular—perhaps you the reader –have spent far too many precious moments of life criticizing and trying to change your body rather than truly loving and accepting the gift of your body!
The challenge that most women face around loving their body is the cultural conditioning around the ideal body for women. There was a popular ad for “The Body Shop”, the skin and hair care products company, which stated “There are 3 billion women who don’t look like supermodels and only 8 who do.” This ad highlighted that what is promoted as the ideal, normal body for women is actually the normal body for only a very small percentage of women.
Yet, this image is continuously portrayed in advertising, on magazine covers and in the actresses we see in movies and on television. It is a distortion of reality that ends up creating a situation where women feel inadequate and that there is something wrong with their body for not looking like this. It causes women to judge and try to change their body by dieting, plastic surgery and many other ways of trying to get their body to look like the ideal. This cultural conditioning is hurtful and has a very toxic effect on women and girls. It is toxic because instead celebrating and loving their unique shape they are judging it against the promoted ideal.
According to the Social Issues Research Centre, “More than 80% of 4th graders have been on a fad diet.” It is sad to see the pressure that young girls feel to start to mold their bodies into the ideal, rather than using this energy to learn, explore and just be happy and content being themselves. Because of the profound impact of this cultural conditioning it is important for women and girls to become conscious of this programming and to have the courage to step out of the dictates of these unrealistic body expectations. So one of the first and most important guideline to truly Love Your Body is to take back the power to define your own beauty.
Tips to help you Love Your Body:
1. Take the Power back to define your own Beauty- Not only taking it back for the cultural/media definitions but also from people around you in your life who have made judgmental remarks about your body. These people weren’t able to see the beauty of your body because they had absorbed the cultural definitions themselves—and were judging you and probably their own body against these standards as well. Take a moment now to close your eyes and imagine taking back the power to define the beauty of your own body. Take it back from the cultural definitions and the media—in your mind state “I will not allow you to define what my body should look like anymore.” Think back to people that have made negative comments to you about your body—a family member, a romantic partner or other kids when you were little. Say to them in your mind “I take back the power to define the beauty of my own body—your comments were distortions and untrue—and I no longer give them any power.” Feel how good this feels to clear yourself of all of this negativity and distortion.
2. Clear Your Own Negative Beliefs about Your Body- Because of your exposure to the cultural conditioning about the supposed ideal female body—you probably have practiced self-judgment of your body for not conforming to the promoted “ideal.” These judgments and negative beliefs are again distortions and not based on the truth of the unique beauty of your own body. We all have bodies of different sizes and shapes that are special and truly beautiful.
Let go of your own rigid beliefs about how your body should look and begin to see how the very things that are different about your body are the very things that make you unique and beautiful. Write down the negative messages that you say to yourself about your body. Imagine writing them down to release them from your consciousness. Get them all out—the most negative hurtful ones you can think of. Look at these messages—notice how you would never dream of saying these things to anyone else in your life. Look at all of these messages and apologize to your body saying “I’m so sorry that I said these hurtful things to you—I promise that I will not say these things to you again and I will start loving you instead.” Look at these messages again and with an intention to fully release them—tear up the sheet of paper and throw it away. Some people like to build a fire outside and burn the paper as a way of releasing this negativity.
3. Exercise for the Joy of Feeling Your Body Move- When you exercise to eliminate fat from your body and/or to compensate for calories eaten—this can come from a place of fear and have an energy of trying to control and fight against your body. Imagine exercising for the joy of moving your body and from an intention to be loving to your body—a desire for it to be healthy and have more energy. The clients I work with around this issue tend to be able to maintain an exercise program if they do it from a place of joy and self-love rather than control and fear about their weight. Notice if there are things in your life that you don’t do for fear of people seeing your body—like swimming, dancing or any other activity. Remind yourself that you deserve to do the things you enjoy no matter what your shape. Let go of what others think of you and stay focused on the fact that you have every right to do the things you enjoy.
4. Remind Yourself What the Purpose of Having a Body Is-Your body is yours to fully experience life, to take it in and enjoy it. Your body is a vehicle for you to experience life with all of your senses. Your body allows you: to feel a warm breeze on your skin, feel the cool water in a lake when you swim, see all of the vivid colors of a sunset, hear all of the beauty of music, to hear the sounds of birds and trees moving in the wind, feel the softness of someone’s hand, feel the joy of dancing, taste and enjoy delicious food, express yourself through a smile, tears or laughter. Your body is for you, not for others to critique or judge. You are not here as a display for others, but as a fully embodied human being with deeper, richer qualities than just your appearance.
5. When You Look in The Mirror—Look at Yourself Through Loving Eyes- For many women looking in the mirror turns into an exercise of self-judgment. They zero in on all of their perceived flaws and what they feel is “wrong” with their body or face. Again the criteria they are judging themselves against is this unrealistic ideal that is promoted in the media. I have many clients who when they first started working with me said that they couldn’t look in the mirror because all they saw were these perceived flaws. I suggest that they shift this by instead looking at themselves in the mirror through loving eyes. An example would be if you look in the mirror and see a wrinkle that you would ordinarily judge—look at this wrinkle with love and compassion—and even see the beauty of this wrinkle. Set a clear intention to see yourself through the lens of love—interrupt the self judgment and move into being very loving with yourself. This will be something that you need to practice before it becomes a habit—but it will be well worth the effort because you will begin to feel really wonderful about yourself.
6. Have Your Self-Esteem be Internally Referenced- Have your self-esteem be based on your internal qualities rather than your external appearance. What are the qualities that make you—you? Is it your compassion, your unique creativity, your intelligence, your capacity to have fun, your wisdom, your perceptiveness, your capacity to listen to people or your loving heart? Think of the people that you love in your life. You love them for who they are—the unique Spirit that they are—not for what they look like. That is how they feel about you—they love you for who you are and all of the special qualities that make up you. Learn to value yourself for the substance of you—not for the physical form that you travel around in.
7. Explore the deeper reason for the preoccupation with your appearance/weight. Sometimes when someone is preoccupied with their appearance it may be an avoidance mechanism for deeper, more painful feelings. Check in with yourself and see if this might be the case. If in your childhood things were painful for you and out of control, you may have learned to focus on your weight as a way to avoid the loneliness and helplessness of what was happening around you. Or maybe there is a painful issue in your life today that you don’t have the courage to face—like a challenging relationship or lack of purpose in your life. A preoccupation with your appearance distracts you from facing these issues. If this is the case for you, it is important for you to get support for yourself to open up to face these feelings directly. You can get this support through taking the risk to reveal your feelings to a trusted friend or working with a counselor who can help you work through these feelings.
8.Eliminate Comparing Yourself to Others-The energy of comparison and competition is hurtful to yourself and the other person. Doing this is just another form of putting yourself down and will not help you to feel good but will make you feel even worse. Vow to not participate in this kind of energy. Instead if you see someone who is attractive—instead of comparing yourself to this person or judging them—state instead—“She is attractive and so am I.” Celebrate that other person and yourself too. You will find this feels so much better than comparing yourself to them or being critical.
9. Take One of the Areas of Your Body You Typically Judge and Take a Week to Fully Love This Part of You- Spend 15 minutes a day looking at this part of your body and find things to love about it, better yet, do it throughout the day. The more challenging it is to do this, the more you need to do it! I read in a book about a woman who did this exercise and after a week of doing it a stranger came up to her and told her how beautiful this part of her body was! When we transform our own way of seeing ourselves—it transforms the way others see us as well. You want your first intention of doing this exercise to be the shift in your own self-love, not to have the effect on how others view you. How you view you is always going to be what is most important.
10. Decide That You Are Beautiful and Practice Being Beautiful- You get to decide if you are beautiful or not. If like I stated above you have taken your power back to define your own self than why don’t you claim your own beauty! Take a day and repeat to yourself “I am Beautiful”. Do things that make you feel beautiful—wear something special—that you love and feel great in. Walk like you are beautiful. Look in the mirror and say “I am beautiful.” This may feel awkward at first but continue to do this until you really start to believe it.
Celebrate who you are and your beautiful, unique body. We need women who are seeing and celebrating their own beauty—it helps other women who are stuck in negativity about their body see that there is another more joyful path to take—the path of true self-love!
November 13th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
When you have a challenge in your life—what do you say to yourself about it? Do you say “Here we go again—why does this stuff always happen to me?” One of the things that I have learned over the years is that how we frame what is happening will shape our experience of it. It can be very helpful to shift into a perspective that says “I trust that there is a gift here for me–even though I can’t see what it is.” The gift will be in the form of a healing, a new insight, a shift in perspective–a transformation in a relationship. The gift is always there–it is just being open to see it. It can take some practice to do this—particularly if something is really challenging for you—and a gift is about the last thing you think will come out of it. But the interesting thing is that the bigger the challenge–the bigger the gift.
See if you can shift your thinking around a challenge you are experiencing and ask yourself “What is the gift here for me.”
November 12th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
I know I have talked about this before but it is such an important inner dynamic with self-esteem—and that is self-judgement. How you are feeling about yourself throughout the day will be determined by your inner dialogue–if it is loving and supportive or critical. The self-judgement at times can be so subtle that you may not even be aware of it. At the “I am Fabulous” Workshop that I did a few weeks ago–I had everyone draw a wheel and for each of area of their life color in that wedge how satisfied they were with that area of their life. What was interesting is that some people had the realization that they had wonderful things going on in their life but their own self-judgement kept them from experiencing and letting these good things in. Notice if this is the case for you. Do you have some wonderful things happening in your life—but your own self-judgement is blocking your enjoyment of these things. See if you you can let go of the judgements and let the good in! You’ll be amazed and how your life can shift by doing this simple change.
Let go of self-judgement and let the good in!
November 5th, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
I woke up this morning with this song floating in my mind:
“I love myself so much, That I can love you son much, That you can love you so much, That you can start loving me.”
This is a chant from the Agape Church in Los Angeles, CA. The church was founded by Michael Beckwith–who you may recognize from the movie “The Secret”. I was on a personal growth cruise in October and Michael–along with his wife Rickie Byars Beckwith–gave a service every morning. They blew everyone away with how loving and inspirational they both were—pure emodiments of unconditional love. I bought a CD that has this song and other wonderful songs.
We sang this song at the “I am Fabulous” workshop. My assistant at the Workshop teased me and said it reminded her of a Seasme Street song!! I said –”whatever works, I am using it!” I love the words of the song and I have found that singing positive statements helps the message get in on a much deeper level. At the workshop we had everyone come up with a postive affirmation that they really wanted to absorb–and we put it to a tune and recorded it for them to take home and listen to over and over. It was so much FUN!
So think of what loving message you want to give yourself and put it to a catchy tune–and watch this message get absorbed and lift your Spirit! Let me know what you come up with!!
November 3rd, 2007, by Shelley Riutta
Hello! I hope you are having a great weekend! I am in Florida visiting my Mom and I am enjoying the SUN here. I feel like I am a solar panel absorbing all the the rays for the coming winter in Wisconsin!
My Mom has been very challenged in taking care of my 92 Grandfather who is in a nursing home. This has been affecting her own health because she has done—what many, many people do in this situation–that is neglect her own self-care.
Over the years I have gained incredible respect for people who are in the role of care-giver for a loved one who is either sick or in a nursing home. One of the things that I encourage people in that role to do is to take extra care of themselves while they are in the care-giver role. Rather than losing sight of their own self-care as they in the care-giving role—I encourage them to make sure they are taking really good care of themselves. I have learned that it is little self-care things that can make a huge difference.
When I was caring for my Dad after a high risk surgery I would make sure I got enough sleep, ate healthy meals througout the day, walk outside to get some sunshine and tag team with family members to get a mental break from the situation. I also made sure I was staying connected to my spiritual support–praying, reading inspirational books, feeling the loving support from my spiritual connection reminding me that all was well–even though at moments it didn’t appear that things were. At the most intense times I would call the Unity prayer line to connect with a reassuring voice that would help calm me with uplifting prayers that would help me shift into feeling the peace of my own spiritual connection. I also watched what I told myself about the situation—I could think thoughts that would increase the stress I was feeling or think calming/reassuring thoughts that would decrease the stress.
We all have periods of time when we are in the care-giving role. These are the most crucial times to be practicing self-care. It is easy to let it slide because of the stress and intensity of the situation. Remind yourself that your self-care is vital and will allow you to be a more present and healthy care-giver to your loved one. Reach out for help and support to those around you at the times it feels overwhelming. If you are not used to doing this—it is a good time to learn–because if you don’t reach out for support you are at risk of getting burned out.
If you are not in the care-giver role right now –think of someone you know that is going through that experience and call them to see if you can help out in any way. They will greatly appreciate your reaching out to them and it will make a huge difference in their lives.
Remember to love yourself as you are loving and caring for others.
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