Do you Rise Up or Go Down in Relationships?

May 29th, 2008, by Shelley Riutta

What I have noticed in working with clients over the years is that many people have difficulty holding their own in a relationship.  What I mean by this is taking 100 % responsibility for their happiness and holding true to the highest vision for their life and relationships.  People can have sense when their partner is on a different path and maybe doesn’t have the same type of dedication to growth that they have.  In response to this–they may do a variety of things to deal with this.  The most common thing can be to start holding themselves back from their own growth.  They sense that if they keep growing that they will “grow” out of the relationship.  So they make a decision that they are willing to hold themselves back, rather than lose the relationship.  They ended up bringing themselves down.

When I work with a client who is doing this–I have them look at the consequence of doing this.  Typically they start to struggle with depression and or anxiety.  It takes a lot to hold their own energy back–and typically they will start to feel very drained from this.  The origin of doing this can come from their childhood.  In order to get their parents’ approval they had to be more of who their parents wanted them to be–rather than who they truly are.  They actually are used to holding themselves back in a relationship because they started doing this at a young age.  The belief underlying this pattern is “I can’t be all that I came here to be and be loved too–I have to hold myself back to keep my relationships.”

I encourage them to love themselves for who they truly are—and commit to allowing themselves to be all that they came here to be.  They will not really know the truth of their relationship until they do this.  I have seen the other partner in this kind of relationship “rise up” and start to grow as well when their partner holds their ground in their own growth.  They will never know if this is a possibility until they do this.  If they do embrace themselves fully and not hold themselves back—move forward in their lives—and their partner continues to stay stuck for a period of time–they will know that they did everything they could to give the relationship a chance.  They can walk away with peace—opening up to a healthier connection with someone with a similar commitment to growth.